This is not how it’s
supposed to be.
It’s supposed to be
wonderful and warm and beautiful, a blue sky clear of dark clouds. Yet despite
the touch of the sunlight on the skin, I feel the cold damp of the ground
soaking into my feet.
What is this
feeling? One moment I’m falling down into the whirlpool of delirious happiness.
Where nothing can bring me down. All I feel is going up, up, up. The way he
makes me feel, it’s special. It’s… magical.
Then before I know
it, the ghostly hand of reality and terror of what’s beyond the wall grabs onto
my ankle and pulls. I don’t know why, I don’t know how. But even in all that
happiness that he makes me feel, it comes with the price of terrifying lack of
self-control. Just as how it makes me completely uplifted, it makes me feel
like I’m stuck in a vacuum of feelings, stuck in a black hole of emotions.
Can we be together for
as long as my dreams allow? Will we be able to make it?
Thoughts like that
carry so much weight, and my shoulders ache.
If we’re not meant
to be, then why would I put myself through that heartache? Isn’t that just
dumb, to charge forward knowing that on the side of that beautiful beautiful
hill is just a thousand-foot drop? The unknowing, the misty roads ahead are
filled with perils, and I don’t know if I’m equipped to go through, without
falling, without failing. It’s a brand new feeling. Something I’ve always
feared.
Why can’t I just
live in the moment? Just revel in the beauty that is this new romance, and live
in the bliss of carefree ignorance. I can’t because that’s not how I am. I must
know why, how, who, what, when… and it kills the truly happy part of me to say
that I know of absolutely nothing of what is going on.
I don’t how to
relay this to him. Or if I even should. Even to me, the owner of these
feelings, these thoughts are terrifying. What would he, as an outsider to the
darkness of my brain, think?
I care about him.
About us. It’s as if, in these short few weeks, I’ve morphed into something,
someone new. A creature that is selfish. A creature that wants something more
than just the routine she’s carved out for herself. A creature that wants
someone else.
I’m trying not to
cut myself off, like every other connection I’ve ever felt. I’m trying to keep
the same, glorious emotional powerhouse going, the powerhouse that runs on his
presence in my life. But the logical, the smart, the brilliant part of me is
backing away, is struggling to get loose of this hook into my heart. She knows
that once I dive in head first, she will no longer be the one in control. The
one who has been driving me to success, to dominate, to ignore the emotions…
she will have to take a backseat. And she is not happy about that. I don’t know
if I even should be.
But I want to see
how the other side lives. The side that lets passion take over their lives. The
side that follow their guts. The side that doesn’t analyze and calculate
everything to fulfill the formula of life. The side with dreams.
I’ve never lived
life by the seat of my pants. Never had my heart on my sleeve. Never tossed
caution to the wind and said “Fuck it, let’s go do something crazy.”
And feelings are
crazy.
Yet, this might not
be the best time to try out the other side. Law school is the opposite of a
walk in the park, and my parents. And where we are in life. And who we are as
people. Am I really for altering myself? Even if it gives me a taste at
happiness, at the freedom that I have always dreamed of?
The hopeless
romantic that logical Lucy thought she had squashed has woken up. And she wants
cute. She wants hopes. She wants love. She wants him.
What am I to tell
her?
Do I slap her in
the face and say “get a grip”? Do I take her into my arms and give her the
romance that she’s always dreamed, risking heartbreak for her happiness? Do I
calm her down and recalculate?
Career Lucy needs
to be in the forefront. Hopeless Romantic Lucy wants out. Logical Lucy doesn't know what to do.
All three admit
that they want happiness. But what is happiness?
Someone give me an
answer. The ball is rolling downhill, and I won’t be able to catch it if it
gets any faster.
