It's already 2010!

It's already the day before the New Years, of 2010. What happened to the time? What happened to 2009?
I have a horrible memory, so I can't exactly recap anything. Basically, I didn't do much memorable things or have once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. School has been my slavedriver and I have been under the whip. Yet, I suppose it has also been enjoyable. With one major infatuation and no other distraction from my studies, I seem to have done quite well for myself... the hardest semester of all, coming out with the highest GPA. There have been disadvantages to that, of course. Lack of sleep, too much carbs, bouts of depression, etc. have plagued me for the past semester but now it's all minute, irrelevant parts of a life that is only about 20-30% lived (unless of course, i turn into a vampire assassin, in which case I'll be immortal)...
But through these moments of loneliness and reminiscence, I've realized that resolutions are necessary. Even though they are mostly never accomplished and serve as a shaming ritual to us all at the end of year, when we realize "shit! i never did anything besides eat and sleep!" they at least give me an insight on what is necessary for tomorrow, not what is pleasant for today.
The seven deadly sins never seemed more obvious. and more inescapable.
Up until now, envy has probably been my main sin, along the lines of "wanting but not having." Honestly, I haven't cared about being wrathful, or lustful, or sinful in general, until I finally thought about where that might take me.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't think being without these seven sins makes you a perfect being; it's the ability to control these sins that make a person truly whole. But when these sins maintain a lifestyle you want to change, or constantly change a landscape that you want to keep beatiful, it's kinda hard to keep going at the rate we all are.
What is happiness? Is it being with family who love you? Is it being successful? Is it having a successful romantic relationship? Or is it all three and more? In searching for these answers, I stumbled upon a cliff of disbelief. Being pessimistic and lackluster towards humanity, as I am, merely draws out the vibrancy and devastation of the answer. It's that, you don't know until it happens. So there's no accurate predictions, no weather forecast man to tell you what is going to happen, no possibility that anyone can know what their own happiness is until they experience it. Or, pass that chance and never realize happiness, because they have lost it forever.
Have I passed it? Have I, in the 19 years I've been alive, been happy? Or am I just in neutral, just waiting to shift the car into drive (drive = happiness)? The potential answers nip at my heels, and trying to forget about them only whets their appetite in making me suffer. And there's always that horrible, horrible question going on in my head at every moment... "Is this that final decision that will make me happinessless forever?"
Pride has always been my weak point. I hate being embarassed, apologetic, reprimanded, or even seen as less than average. I guess that sort of goes along with envy, but is it truly my fault if I weigh heavily the opinion of others on what I do, how I act, who I am? I may be acting, but sometimes it's just more comfortable than being who I truly am... it never ceases to amaze me how so many people are willing to negafy their image because of what they believe... it's nothing short of a miracle to me. I've accepted the fact that i'm prideful... up until lately. Just today, actually. I’ve been wondering… is my pride actually taking away my chance at happiness? I don’t even know what consists of “my happiness” but in rejecting a proposal, an idea, is that bringing me closer to that dark canyon of doom? In having too high of expectations, is that actually ruining my plan for the future? I don’t want to lower my standards. But on the other hand I wonder if that is what’s keeping me away from what I truly want. I desire money, I desire power, I desire love. But maybe I’m asking for too much. If I choose to start love, I might lose an opportunity for bigger, better things. But if I choose not to, I’m also in danger of rejecting the right proposal, and end up worse, even farther away from my goal. I don’t know. I can’t know. There’s no way to know. And that’s whats driving me crazy. I’ve never believed in destiny, but my mom has. Will fate actually work? I don’t know. Free will tends to do things to mess with destiny. I just hope that this decision is the right one, and that destiny is the one making the decision, not my ridiculous trait of having too much pride.

I don’t know. But I can hope.

On a brighter note: Happy New Years! And hopefully your resolutions come to be reality! May all slackers become super successful. May all the poverty-stricken college students find hundred dollar bills on the ground. And most important of all, may all us single people find true love! *pretend swoon*

Uphill is getting less steep

It's the end of the 2009, merry Christmas to all, and happy new year! I write on this in good spirits because I am hopeful of what the next year will bring. The end of this year has been the best in my life. I have good friends, I make decent money and because of that I have been able to get most everyone I care about gifts. I am in considerably better shape, and maybe just a tad less lazy and a tad more, for lack of a better word, moral. In the next year, I will complete my journey. Probably before summer.

I still have much to conquer though until I'm done. Mostly the lack of strength, since that is what stems the laziness and overweightedness. But, I do feel like I am conquering my fears. Sometimes I will talk to random people I don't know, just to prove to myself that I can, and that its not so bad. I have not been eating fantastically well though. Ah well, it's the holiday season and I will enjoy myself!

As far as laziness goes, I'm still not so good. This quarter I got the worst grades I have so far in college (well, altogether). A C, C+ and one B. Not great. Pulled my GPA down. How do I conquer this, so I can get better grades this quarter? What about me is making me think "I have time to fool around, work later"? Am I just not thinking?

I keep thinking that there will be some way for me to get organized, some program for my computer, some calendar I can buy. This will help, but it will not fix the underlying issue. But... will it help the underlying issue? That's something to think about. I guess I should try anything that could help.

There is always hope! Anyone can succeed in long term goals, as I will soon be proof of.

Merry Christmas to all!

Finals

I hate, hate, hate studying for finals. It's that time of the year when you realize, i should've actually taken better notes or actually done all the reading. The time where you are like, holy crap, we read about this? What is this even about? Yes, that time.

To compound this horrible feeling, it's most often exacerbated by the fact that there are multiple finals happening all around the same time. So, in addition to studying, it's this mass frenzy to meet these deadlines, write those final papers, and not to mix up the days of the final. It's doomsday!

And, if you are like me...you wait until last minute. Using all your prior free time to decorate the tree, go on a date, or to hang with old friends. Yes, all horrible uses of time when you look back on them while you are spazzing. Also, if you are like me, the state around you reflects how you feel. As such, my bedroom is messy, my papers everywhere, my books everywhere, and my brain imploding.

But, alas, hope is in sight. After studying for three hours in the library, coming to relax on the computer and rant, i will have conquered my first final. Medical Ethics. Probably the hardest one next to environmental ethics. *which has a 10pg paper due tomorrow at 5pm,,,,which i haven't started. hahahha *eye twitch* not to mention i have another final tomorrow morning. *double eye twitch* But that hope, that thing that i aspire to is around the corner! :D Saturday! The day i can spend with friends and family, where i am going to get my hair done so my roots *kinda* are inches long and showing, and also, i'm going to finish christmas shopping and get a christmas dress. :) So, i guess in the end the tests are important and determine a lot for me, but they won't make or break me. My B's are solid, and the A's semi-solid. So i know i won't fail. but still. :P

I guess that's it for now. I'm going to go buy a drink at the bookstore before class...~ bah~

Thanksgiving

Well, I wanted to post something on here, since it hasn't been updated, so here I go. :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING To all you guys~

Whether you are enjoying with all your family, or with friends, or yourself, I hope it's an enjoyable day. I used to think that thanksgiving wasn't any fun after my grandparents passed away, just because it turned into just another day at home, but with extremely good food. But, i've grown to learn that thanksgiving is what you make it, whether you are with a lot of people or not. It's just about enjoying a day off of school, work, and to enjoy time by doing whatever you want. For us, it's watching movies together in the living room, some of us online, some playing with the pets, or some reading, but nevertheless all together. To me, this is fun, it's thanksgiving.

So, whatever type of thanksgiving you enjoy. Whether it's at a dorm, or at your aunt's house, or your cousins' house, or at home, i hope that today is a fun and memorable day. :)

Also, in the name of the holiday, I'm going to list things i'm thankful for. :)
I am thankful for:
All my friends~ My aud boi, my wifey, my lucifer, and everyone
My Family~ even my evil brother :)
My job, even though they aren't the most professional of managers
My bf, cus he's super awesome and cool. :)
The good food imma eat. NOM NOM NOM
And everything else that is good and awesome. :)
So whatever you guys are thankful for, whether it be big or super small, like that delicious cookie, or chips and salsa that you are addicted to, just enjoy the day and revel in happiness. Don't worry about money, work, or anything of that sort, and just be happy~~ Oh, and eat lotsa pie, pumpkin pie, with whip cream. NOM NOM NOM~

*smells turkey* well, i'm done with this post, don't have anything else to say about turkey day. or tofurkey if you're vegetarian.

Friendships are Tricky

Or rather, good friendships are tricky.

I've learned the hard way that if you push a friendship too hard, it snaps like a twig. I used to be good friends with a girl, so naturally I wanted to talk to her as much as possible. Talked to her too much. Now we're not friends.

So since then I've been very cautious not to push and to make sure everything is always OK. Ironically, this is just as bad as pushing too hard. Overly cautious causes problem, and I fear I have damaged a friendship because of this. See, I have two very good friends. One friend lives pretty close to me, and I worried I hurt our friendship because I accidentally revealed a secret. So I did some damage control and apologized a lot to show that I really was sorry and I really cared. She was fine, so now we're definitely good, more or less.

But I brought up the story with my other really good friend, cordially referred to as New York friend, and she was the one that said that I shouldn't overreact because then I might actually hurt the friendship when there was nothing wrong to begin with. Then she said that I had probably done that to her a few times, but she couldn't really remember. Great, my life is a giant Catch 22. If I try too hard, if I really show how much I appreciate this friend, how much I care, snap. Like a twig. Too little and of course we dwindle away into non-friendship. So I guess I need to tone it down a bit, if the damage hasn't already been done.

So that's been on my mind lately. Whether we're cool or not, whether our lack of talking is because I had done something wrong earlier that she never talked to me about, or whether yet again I'm just over thinking things. Either way I've come to a couple conclusions.

One, I am way too attached to my friends. Clingy. I didn't have a whole lot of friends growing up so I tend to latch on to the few I do have. That's bad news. So I'm going to go through a period of time where I talk to them a lot less on AIM. Right now for most of my friends, I am always the one to start the conversation, which I can only assume means that they have better thing to do than talk to me and that they don't really care either way. Or not, I have no idea. But I can't ask any of them, especially New York friend, because asking... that would be pushing. So now I wait in silence for something to happen. Of course again, this may just be overthinking.

Secondly, I do have to learn to live my life alone. Most of the reason I'm so very attached to my friends is because they have helped me get through a lot of things, and for that I am eternally grateful. But now I am at a much higher emotional stability than I used to be, so I need to stop bothering them whenever I have some issue, I need to handle it myself. Not every conversation can be about some deep emotional thing I'm thinking about, just on rare occasion. Well, this blog will be there if anyone is ever curious.

This is a large part of my life and it aint over yet. Hopefully soon though.

Thoughts

Okay, so Lucy suggested that I write about how we can’t eat whatever we want without fear of weight gain. And that is so true! I’ve been worried about that myself. I confess….i had THE WORST breakfast today. I had the leftover cheesecake my mom got me and some tortillas *w/o butter if that makes it any better…* So after eating as such i automatically felt like a piggy. Like, if someone knew how i ate they would stick a giant red P on my shirt and beat me senseless, while calling me names. So, to repent for my sins, i decided that that would be my lunch and breakfast. And possibly dinner if i don’t feel like going anywhere on my lunchbreak at work.

But….is this way of thinking right? To punish oneself for not eating right? Isn’t that what we are taught? That if you eat too much snacks, too many sugary goodies, that you are a bad person? That the ‘good,’ ‘beautiful’ people don’t eat like that. Heck no, and if they do, they make sure to repent in their own ways. Either by exercising excessively or gagging themselves. (at least in women’s cases, i don’t know if guys really do that, but who knows) Either way, it happens, because people see food as bad, yet we are bombarded with it, we even have to eat. So should it always be a chore? Should we rejoice when we eat less than normal? Or worry?

I think about these things, but in the moment, at the time, I feel so damn guilty. Like, HAH, that’s why you have thighs like that, or why you have a tummy. Because you have no self control. I even worry that that’s what people will see when they see me, but that’s not realistic is it? I mean, I don’t look at people and think, CHEESECAKE EATER! So why do we have this distorted image?

Is it because it’s the one true way to become skinny and beautiful? Because that’s what i think sometimes. That if i didn’t eat so much, i’d be prettier. But is that even that rational of an idea? To castigate ourselves for eating dessert? Or to do so to others and think less of them for eating a bunch of fattening cookies?

Where does this image even come from? I’m sure as a kid we don’t think this way. Is it media? Broadcasting stories of skinny women thinking they are fat and trying to become skinnier? Or publicizing how you, too, can get this body? Or that to be healthy you shouldn’t weight so much? What is it? Is it all of them? And why do we all buy into it?

I don’t advocate for the opposite, we can’t gorge ourselves on everything and become sick, but i don’t think we should associate sweets or even just eating with something negative. However, i haven’t found out how to achieve this myself. I think, well if i do that, no one will see me differently, i’ll just gain weight and they’ll think i’m a piggy. So should we stop criticizing something we’ve all accepted and just go with it? I think not, i think it should be okay to weigh whatever you want to, because not everyone can be skinny and some people are stuck within the constraints of their own bone structure. So i think, maybe in an idealistic situation, we will eat sweets and enjoy them. We will accept individuals of all sizes and shapes. I mean, even those ladies in magazines aren’t that perfect, they get photoshopped and altered. So shouldn’t we accept what is real and less than perfect in the realization that perfection is not achievable and the path to it can be detrimental and unnecessary. I’m not sure… But i can say…i didn’t eat lunch. so maybe that’s proof this can’t really happen because we are all so deeply engrained?

Pie

I ate a pie in my dreams. It tasted like blood and crunched like bone. I looked at it, held it before my eyes, and saw that it was filled with many small babies. Tiny children the size of plums, if even that large. I took another bite, and I savored it. It was a cold, cold day in the lost village in my dream. I was feasting with a host of shriveled vampires around a large oval table in a cobwebbed room.

I did not heed the warning in my mind, or the ravenous stares the vampires directed toward me; I took another bite, gore dribbled from my chin, and the table candles flickered in the wind. There was an old Turkey on the center of the table, moldy, dusty, and still I contemplated eating it.

I realized as I took another slice of pie that the vampires around the table had stopped eating and were all inching ever so closer to me. I took another bite of pie. I remembered that I should go before they began to move more quickly. I stood up, not in any hurry though. I side-stepped the withered old woman next to whom I had been sitting and who had risen with me.

And I ran for the door, and I made it to the door, and I stuck my tongue out at the vampires before I slammed said door in their ugly, wrinkled faces.

Then I went for a walk.

Internal Conflict and Resolution

Drinking is, or was, of primary concern to me. I am a college student. Alcohol is in abundance. Even now there is a bottle of Tequila on my refrigerator. I took a couple shots, never had hard stuff before. Got tipsy or "buzzed" for about a half hour. I wish I wasn't curious enough to do such things, but the curiosity is no longer there. At least for now.
Of course this makes me think of the morality of alcohol. As a religious person I looked to the Bible, but as a practical person I also looked to examples from other people's lives. Both came up with identical viewpoints.
The popular story is that Jesus turned water into wine. A lot of people use this to mean that drinking is okay (although most would concede that getting REALLY drunk is always bad, but that definition varies heavily from person to person). This story proves that alcohol in itself is not a bad thing. Other passages of the Bible say that "drunkenness" is an evil thing to be heavily avoided. So being drunk is certainly bad. Wine has a pretty low proof so I think its safe to say that Jesus never got drunk, nor would he let himself be affected by alcohol (as per Proverbs). That and, it was a wedding. Not a Friday. So the lesson to take away from this is that alcoholic beverages are fine, being drunk is not, and being drunk definitely includes buzzed/tipsy/whatever.
On the practical side, I have seen what people are capable of doing when they're "tipsy." Making a fool of themselves, telling secrets about themselves or others, betraying what they believe in. Of course, it doesn't happen to everyone. When most people drink, its probably more likely than not that it'll all turn out fine. Over time however, the odds are against you, and something is going to happen. People are different when they're drunk. A friend of mine says that they are more themselves, which is untrue, because part of themselves is that they hold back what they want to. But this is a digression. The lesson to take away from this is that alcohol is fine with pretty high moderation. I probably won't indulge in wine or beer or especially hard stuff anytime soon, but if I do I won't feel bad about it as long as I have small amounts over a long time.
Conflict resolved. Moderation, pretty low amounts, not tipsy. Moving on.

I have exactly one friend who shares my point of view, which is of course to be expected in a University in Southern California. At one point I delved into a state of extreme depression when I realized I was very alone in this, the "pit of despair" as I like to call it. I had many a friend who was against drinking like I was, but one by one they changed their view. Everyone except me.
And apparently one other person, which is nice because I entirely expected to be the only one here. Nonetheless I have accepted the fact that I am pretty much alone here, and that's fine, better to be separate from the world than to compromise my beliefs to join it. I still have plenty of good friends that I value and care about very, very much. Very much. People who have gone through worse things than I can imagine and that I want to be as close as possible to.
I'm no longer in the pit of despair, in fact I'm actually pretty happy right now. Working on things, fixing them. As long as I keep thinking, and keep trying, I'm doing what needs to be done.

The R Word

So, as everyone all knows now, I am in a relationship with Joe. He had my change it on facebook yesterday, and everyone can see. I’ve received numerous comments about it, and he’s happy that i changed it. But, I have this fear. This inherent feeling that makes me scream inside. As if it’s saying, I’m scared, you have to pull away NOW. That it’s not the right choice, that he’s not the one, that you shouldn’t be doing this now.

I feel uncomfortable thinking about someone wanting to be with me and wanting to hug and kiss me. At first, when it’s someone that’s just flirting with me, that’s fine. But when the relationship starts, and everything begins to move down another road, i get so scared. And it’s not even like we’ve done anything horrible, or that he repulses me. I really do like him, and i like spending time with him. I like his hugs, and how he is considerate and respectful, and funny. But, a part of me is so scared.

I don’t even know about what! It’s the times when I’m left alone, not talking with him or around him, that I start to doubt. Doubt everything. The validity, the honesty, the emotions. And I don’t even know why! Why in the world would i do that when i’m happy with him? And i know he’s not lying to me, I know he’s honest. Any guy that would try for a girl when she says, friends, has some determination.

So…then, is this feeling even really bad? Or maybe I’ve just not allowed myself to feel it, so it’s hard to be calm while feeling it. Maybe this fear is what everyone experiences, maybe it is due to my daddy issues, maybe it’s just me. But, if i’m honest and try to work on it, isn’t that enough?

Like right now, I feel weird when he tells me he loves me. But then I like hearing it, but for some reason, i have a hard time accepting it. I like sitting with him and hugging him, but afterwards, like a day or so later, I’m a little uneasy about it. As if, by doing that I did something wrong? Though, i don’t think i did. It’s just like there’s this subconscious that makes me feel like being in a relationship is bad. Maybe it just boils down to me being afraid of getting hurt. Even though we all know that is inevitable.

So shouldn’t I embrace the feelings? Let myself squeeze him tight and never let him go? Should i ignore all the fears that surround that action and just do what i want? Or maybe, since that might result in a heart attack, should i just move towards that slowly? Because, as he’s told me, he’s okay with going as slow as i want, so maybe this is the perfect situation for me to find myself with another person.

Moving onto a lighter subject to end this post. RTOTD’s!! Just for you, wifey! <3

Why does gossip spread faster than good news?

Why does my car always feel like its gonna die?

Why do i always want to draw but never know what to draw?

Why does mug taste better than ibc or bargs?

Why does school overwhelm me at times?

Why can’t we have more days in a week? or hours in a day?

Jizz in my pants, yaoi, and poems

First of all,
Adam Samberg is HOT. When he's singing (especially when he says the word "fuck" on that boat) I totally just wanna bang his brains out. How anyone can be so talented at being an above-mediocre singer and a comedian I don't know, but it's fucking hot.
On another note, Ryan Reynolds? When he bares his guns on "So you committed a crime... and you think you can dance?" I almost licked the screen. And puhleeze, don't remind me of the sexy and sadistic look on his face in "on the ground" when he tazing Samberg's butthole. Gimme some tissues cuz here I cum! =P Although I must admit, them together makes a wonderful sexy image... or maybe I'm just yaoi-deprived. God, I haven't read or watched yaoi in so long. It seems like it's been years since I opened my yaoihentai folder. But still. ReySam. Yum. It just makes me wanna jizz in my pants...

I can't believe I actually have time to write a blog today. It still seems sort of bizarre and strange, since my panic-mode is clearly still on. Well, I'll forget about work for a few and discuss politics and the such...
No, just kiddin'. Could you imagine?
I'd be as boring as shiiiiit. Or just undemocratic.
"What representation? Motherfuckers, I'm a politician and you're not. There's a reason! That's cuz you're useless and weak! Don't tell me what to do! What? You want money for your kids who are starving and have no clothes? Fuck that! This 2 billion dollars is going into my arsenal. I need my autos and Magnums more than you need food. Bitch."

Ok ok, that was in bad taste. But I do want my arsenal...
Honestly though, representation through government really does shit. The people are important and so is welfare and all that, but the poor people don't vote! That's because they're too busy working 39 jobs, taking care of their kids, or getting beat by their spouses (sorry sorry! i feel like being politically incorrect today) to have time to vote! I'm not saying to cater to the rich, but that's exactly how these politicians get elected! You gotta have the moolah to get the goolah! (Goolah = position. It rhymed! ....stfu)
And you gotta be skilled liars. Telling them no new taxes, driving a "clean" vehicle, cradling the baby in your hands as if it's precious as if you don't want to crush its skull... wait, is that just me?
No, no, guys. I actually do love children.... when they're not mine to take care of, when they can shut the fuck up when I give them a death stare, and when they are sleeping, revealing none of their annoying noises, smells, or bodily fluids. They're cute, on the bus, sitting across from you, drooling. I suppose I can concede that point.

As I was saying, being a politician takes a lot of skill. You gotta cater to the rich, lie like an underage drunk college student caught by the police, and lastly, be good at covering your past. Whether that means paying off that kid who caught you snorting coke, burning your little black book, murdering some enemies in their sleep.... are *YOU* willing to do it all for a meager $150,000 a year? Yeah, I didn't think so. It's gotta be at least 300 G.

On a brighter note, Halloween is coming up! I'm going to be a sexy police officer, with a trench coat and all. I was actually going to buy some fuzzy handcuffs to match my, uh, very decent outfit, but decided against it, since I don't think I'll be using it any time soon (damn you, horrible college dating scene). I don't know if I wanna party hardy that night since I gotta work at fucking 5 a.m. the next day! Like, what. the.fuck. who's going to eat breakfast at 9 a.m. the day after Halloween? Your grandma, that's who. And this is college. Unless your grandma is a dumb shit who kept repeating senior year over and over, there is no reason for anyone to eat breakfast on Nov. 1!!!!

So I just met this guy a week ago at the psych experiment we're both doing, and I just found out today. His last name is Bunny. Is that NOT the cutest thing ever? Now I will call him BunBun, and proceed to feed him lettuce. No, not really. That'd be mean. I'll just imagine him in a little rabbit suit for Halloween. Teehee. Speaking of Halloween...

I've wondered what Prof K was doing for it. Is he taking his kids out trick-or-treating? And if he is, is he gonna dress up? Him as 007, dressed in a tux, with big guns tucked away until needed (let me polish them for ya?).
Him as a vampire, with fangs and a cape (*orgasm*).
Him as a knight, riding on a white horse (...why don't you let me ride you and give that horse a rest?).
Him as... just him. With his gorgeous eyes, that jewfro, that light blue button down with that dark blue blazer, black jeans, and tennis shoes... If I give you a trick, will you give me a treat? And I promise...Whatever goes on during Halloween stays for Halloween. I won't flash everyone the hickey you gave me! I promise!
God, if only. If you take me with promises of love and forever, I'll take it. If you take me with promises of good grades, I'll take that. If you take me without saying a word, I'll take that too. What will it take to show you I want you?
Whoa. Poem! Well, now that I have inspiration...

If only I could have you in my arms,
For a day, for a night, for a week,
Would you ever tell me I'm beautiful,
Those words from that sexy mouth I seek...

Could you ever overcome that barrier,
Of the differences of status and age,
Would you ever be willing to risk it,
For on you my soul I would wage...

To you I may be nothing but another student,
Sitting in your lecture hall,
But to me you are like a god,
Holding me enthralled...

I wish upon a star,
Every morning, every dream, every second I wake,
That one day you'll look at me looking at you,
And into pieces your resistance will break.

Not bad, huh? This poetist has still got it! Fuck ya!
But really.
... I will lie in wait for him. Like the lioness on a prairie hunting down those fast and elusive antelope. He is my prey. And I will hide in the grasses until suddenly.... CHOMP. He will be in my jaws. Or just his dick. in my mouth. whatever.

No More "I Love You's"

Daily Thoughts #2

Day after day, it seems that things start piling up, one after another, until your day is no longer yours. Its an amalgamation of homework, work, classes, reading, studying, with occasional breaks at the most inopportune times. When this starts to happen, I debate what I am doing in life that I am constantly going. I start to despise homework and classes, and begin to wish for a different life. But what does that solve?

Life is about hard times and good times, right? That’s what they say, the things that don’t kill you make you stronger. But sometimes, that doesn’t seem like enough reasoning to trudge through and not sleep the whole day away in a wondrous succession of dreams. But, I guess, once you push through, and accomplish what you need to do, it does taste sweeter than just not doing anything.

Nevertheless, that’s after the fact. Sometimes, in the moment, there just seems to be no bright light at the end of the tunnel. There are times when you look ahead, 12 hours, maybe even a day, and even then, you don’t see anything besides work, work, and more work. In those times, I get so dismayed. I think, I wish I didn’t work, though, when i realize it’s payday, I reconsider. But, is this what life will always be like until I’m old and retired? Working so much, having a little personal time, and feeling continually tired? I hope not.

In my dreams, when I get older. I’ll have a nice job, work only weekdays, and not weekends. I’ll have a nice home, be in a nice relationship, have enough money to go shopping on weekends, and take the occasional vacation to the beach. But right now, I’m brought back to reality. Tomorrow, i get up, go to school, come home, change, go to work, come home and sleep, get up for work, and then come home and enjoy a restful evening followed by a long awaited weekend. I guess, even though i don’t feel up for it, even though i’d so much rather sleep in, i’ll get up and do what i have to.

So, in the time that I find myself complaining and wishing for something else, I have to push myself to find things that cheer me up. To take pleasure in the small things. So, I challenge myself to think of funny things that happened in the past, fun things i can do after work, fun people i will work with, things like that.

Now, since i do not think this entry is long enough, time for random rants to blow off some steam.

Cars should not be able to lock whilst the key is inside, and thank god for brothers who are experts at getting keys out of a car.

It’s not fun when a person in your group does NOT add your information to their corresponding paper, especially when they’re really weird.

Spanish tests should not be about minutia! It’s hard enough to read history in spanish, don’t ask who wrote what!

Why must it be so hard to find time to hangout with the people you want to hang out with?

Why is everything at Rhite Aid so expensive?

Why does this medicine make me so damn sleepy?

Why do some people text so slow?

How can some words make you so happy for no apparent reason?

Why doesn’t Farmville load?!

Why do i even like that game?

Why do 6 hrs at home go by so fast, and 6 hrs at work so slow?

Why is Modern Family such a great show?

Why is gas so expensive?

Why does my computer’s battery need t be changed so soon?

Why do my Philosophy teachers feel the need to grade so harshly?

Why does time pass by so fast when you don’t want it to?

Why does my nailpolish never stay on for long?

Why didn’t i ever print pictures at target before? It’s so cheap!

And lastly, my random though of the day- Why does fire burn up? shoudn’t it burn down and out?

*all rhetorical, don’t need anyone to answer*

Question Survey

damn thing didn't work, nvm. idk how to delete it, didn't give me option so yea. for wasting a post, here's a funny link.

Daily Thoughts #1

So, for as long as I can remember, give or take 2 or 3 years, I’ve wished for being in love. I would watch romantic movies with my mom when I was still in elementary school, and loved how happy they all seemed when the two characters finally would get together in the end. *and mind you they were 90s movies, so it wasn’t as overly sexualized. lol*

However, my perception of it was skewed in a way, as a child’s always is. It was overly simplified, to me, it boiled down to two pretty people liking each other and then hanging out, and ends with a kiss. I’d always think, just like in stories, the guy would make the first move, an obvious and charming one, that would take my breath away and then, WHAM, i’d feel it and fall in love. But lately, I’m not so sure that’s even love. I think that’s more of a idealized and romanticized version of lust. Because, that does not happen, and if it did, wouldn’t that be a little less charming and a lot more creepy? I mean really, he barges in, dressed way too fancy to be walking through, then catches your eye and makes a move. Truthfully, my first thoughts would be, who is he? why’s he dressed like that? And, omg he’s crazy, don’t make eye contact.

So, throughout my life, i’d always wanted that, that idea fueled by manga, movies, and even giddy fantasies shared by friends. But, those stories aren’t how life goes. You can’t just wait for things to happen to you. Nonetheless, what I’m getting at, perhaps because it’s the first few days of a new and different relationship with my friend, is that, maybe that idea of love doesn’t exist, but liking someone, enjoying them for who they are, and just sitting with that feeling, to me, is something much better. I mean, would you really like being one half of a perfect couple that ends when the plot resolves itself? And that love, doesn’t it always make you question it’s validity and honesty? I mean, they always meet them days *if that* before they fall in love. Or maybe that’s my distrust emerging.

So getting back to my current thought, the feeling that I am loving, and wanting to keep for forever, is this feeling of comfortableness, happiness, giddiness, and just plain contentedness. Being able to text about serious and non-serious things, or getting those cute texts that make you smile each time you look at them. Being able to just sit and talk and both agree it was a nice night; and being accepted despite quirkiness and odd ball qualities. And, when you get this feeling. It’s not like, hey i love how i feel, i hope he keeps acting this way. That’s not it at all. You begin to want to do things for them, talk with them, hang out with them, and make them happy, like they make you. And not because you want something from them at all, but because, who they are is enough.

I used to think that that feeling was friendship, wanting to do things for others so they can be happy. But, this is like an exaggerated version of that feeling, it’s not more important, just different. However, what I also struggle with is the feeling of deserving the attention and compliments without earning it, but i guess that’s also part of what i’m getting at. I know i might be jumping ahead because my experience is limited, but what i feel is that, being with another person who sees the best in you when you don’t, makes you want to be a better person, to become what they see. With parents, it’s a similar feeling, you want to get good grades and be a good kid to earn their love (or maybe that’s because i grew up with conditional love.)

I still worry that my feelings will change in a mili-second, as they sometimes do. I think, maybe I won’t see him the same way tomorrow. I admit i see his defects, you can see anyone’s defects if you look hard enough, but i also see what makes him seem so perfect. So, a part of me really believes that this person isn’t going to be the same as the others. It won’t be a month fling where we talk, flirt, and then i end it by demanding i only feel friendship; and not because of a lie, but because i really didn’t feel anything more. Perhaps being friends for months, talking, being open, and getting more comfortable with someone allowed me to really consider letting myself feel these feelings. Or maybe, like my last entry, my lack of anxiety has allowed me to feel more, either way, I don’t want to over analyze this, as i always do. Rather, i want to enjoy this feeling; to treasure it.

So that’s it, i feel, maybe i wasn’t able to find what i always wanted not only because i wasn’t open or ready for it, but because i was looking for the wrong thing. It seems, after awhile, if you really want something, and you live your life the best you can, trying to be the best person you can, what you want will come to. But, most certainly, not in the way you would have ever imagined. Because, where’s the fun in that? And, maybe, as i grow up, this version of love and like will evolve into something greater, but for now, this is what it means to me, and i’m not going to overlook it and say, well that’s not what i had imagined so i’ll wait until i get it.

I hope i didn’t make your brains rot with my nonsensical, overly romantic-y entry. What can I say? I got boys on the brain….well, a boy.

Thought process

There is a sharp contrast between who i am and who i want to be. I imagine myself in a year or two as a strong, self driven, unstoppable individual - also not being a total pervert would be nice. My thoughts always deviate to sex, im constantly watching porn, and more recently ive been pleasuring myself while talking to someone online (there it is, a reference to you). I do not believe i have become more perverse in the last few years, so at least i haven't gotten worse. I dont think.
Sometimes i think im glad im this way, because it makes me a more interesting person. This is frustrating because its rather contradictory to my anti pervertedness feelings. I want to be the good guy, but at the same time i want to be easy to talk to about less than decent things. Also im a horny bastard. Fortunately i haven't acted on this yet, at least not with other people, physically.
Gonna work on this.

What if...

People say that if you wish for something hard enough, you'll get it. Does that actually work? Do people just close their eyes and not eat or sleep for days and instead of passing out from exhaustion, they get that pony they want, or that 4.8 GPA?
Cuz if it's true, I will sooo sell my soul for that GPA.
College, of course, is more difficult than high school. It's also more fun, filled with new people, fun times, brilliant professors... I guess in a way, it could be that tentative gap-filler between comfort and reality. In a sense. I still have 21 credits, I still gotta work, and I still gotta write for my magazine and teach piano to students who wanna learn (isn't that crazy?) as well as balance enough time for my mad-obsession with my prof.
Actually, it's slowly been dying down, which is sorta weird. I guess the white strands in his curly dark hair and lines of his face are finally traversing past the illusion of perfection and through my actual eyeballs. But he's still so very attractive. Even if he is one year younger than my mom and has kids. And is short-ish. And is too busy to have office hours.
But I'm getting off topic. Just recently, I have published a mini-album, called, "Songs of College"
Track 1: "Apologize" by One Republic and Timbaland
"...it's too late.... it's too late to un-obsessionize... it's too late... (many verses later) got my hands-feet tied to the ground..."
Track 2: "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent
"...i'll take you to the candy shop... let your kids buy some lollipops... go ahead prof don't you stop... keep going until i get you off whoa"
Track 3: "Gallery" by Mario
"...tell me that my love is worth your soul, tell me what's the reason you hold off, when you know that school has a whole department of 'em just like you"
Track 4: "Gold-digger" by Kanye West
"now i'm sayin' i ain't no gold-digger... but i ain't messin' with no young creatures..."
...and MUCH much more! Visit your local IAMCRAZY store to buy this amazing new CD! It only costs $1.99 (plus shipping and handling... which comes out to a total of: your soul)
But wait, there's more!
(just kidding. there's no free shit here. it's college)

So today I made progress in how it's going. We talked, we laughed, he finally found out my name... but do I honestly want to do this ("this" meaning pursuit)? Like, it's finally breaking through the shell that is my infatuation that "he is a fucking middle-age man!" (the fucking part i'm totally fine with, by the way) and that he's a complete generation above me (i mean, physically being above is totally fine).... and I'm not one of those who would sleep with her prof for grades and i don't find myself creaming at the sight of him. But there's just something about him that makes me not want to stop lusting after him.
I mean, I think I could be satisfied if we just sat down and talked sexy for a couple hours, then grabbed a coffee or dinner, and then he'd tell me I was beautiful and such, and maybe a little first base action, then i'd be pretty satisfied. But what are the chances of that?
If I walked up to him in private or set up an appointment, closed the door, and said, "Prof, I think you're the sexiest thing right now, and I want you to talk dirty to me, before heading for a first or second touchdown," what would come out of it besides a wide-eyed stare, slack jaws, and a possible sexual harassment suit? I don't know. And I'm not brave (or crazy- and that's sayin' something) enough to risk it.
I know that this is temporary, but I want it to last for a long time. That way, with all my attention focused on a man that I know is 90% unattainable, I won't be straying toward over-obsessing of a lot of guys, which would be exhausting and useless (i've done that quite a few times)... and since my obsessions always last such a short time (since i always give up) i want to see what a true, long, obsession is like... just to know how it feels. i'm going to be here for another two and a half years and (hopefully) he will be too... and i can request him as my advisor and I can see him once in a while to talk about classes and such, and just hide this crush for a long time so i won't give up because it still has a chance of happening.
But the problem with that is, i'm impatient. i hate waiting for anything. "gimme it now!" and "do it today so you don't need to do it tomorrow" are two of my fave sayings. but in this case, i want to wait. i want to wait so that while my feelings slowly fade away, his romantic feelings for me will slowly develop (he's divorced, i'm 98% sure) and that when he finally says what i've wanted to hear for years (after my graduation) he'll have to fight for my love. But that goes back to stupid "knight in shining armor" me deep inside me, the one i've been trying to murder for the past 4 years. Why won't it die already?! Why isn't it succumbing to my pessimistic realistic "nothing good will ever last" self?
I don't know. I don't know what I want, I don't know why I want it, I don't know how I could want it. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to say it, if I ever will, who I should say it to.
My mind is like a puzzle. Even if i designed it myself, I don't know how it goes back together because the pieces are, well, pieces. Trying to figure myself out isn't turning out so well, and I don't know why I even want to.
He's so smart, so funny... his sense of humor is to die for, and he's mature. But there's many boys out there who're like that... just not the mature part. But if they're out there, i can't find them! Where are they? Hiding in caves? Sipping apple juice in Wisconsin? Where are THEY!?!?
He has everything I want in a man. Except for the whole kids thing. but besides that, he's perfect. It wasn't love at first sight. But it definitely was love at first speech. His eloquence, the power in his lectures, that bank of knowledge he hides behind that jew-ish fro-y hair and those beautiful baby grey-blues, is just so very tempting.
Eve was tempted by a snake and an apple. She was thrown out of the Garden of Eden.
I am tempted by a man whose knowledge knows no bounds, whose passion in his work has a high possibility of transferring to his bed, a man who walks sorta funny but endearingly... but I definitely don't want to be thrown out of Cornell.

Will it die off? Will I keep this eternal flame burning for a man whose beauty is only marred by his children and his age? It seems quite possible that it will fade away. But while it is here, I want to hold it. I want to caress it and crush it to my chest, breathing in the scent of infatuation and admiration, of dreams and hopes, so that it might sink into my body, where the warmth of its embrace will linger even after the embers have long since burnt out.

Running the Race

So, it seems that when you aren’t constantly busy worrying about what could happen or if what happened was really what should’ve happened (or if you just stop worrying in general) there is a lot more to experience. Things seem to evolve into much more, and you feel a wider range of emotions. In other words, I’ve started to feel new things. Like, goofiness, dorkiness, flirty-ness, sadness, anger, regret, excitement, giddiness, and it’s making my brain run amok! It’s like, gone from this hermit that bites nails to this person running around with everyone else.

Like, right now, I still feel bad about something that happened the other day. When it was happening, I let myself get lost in anger and frustration, and hurt. But it wasn’t any good, it accomplished nothing positive or worthwhile and I would change it if i could. Just like Thich Nhat Hanh’s books say, we need to let go of anger. And it’s true, because, after a short time, the anger was gone, and I was just sitting there, feeling regret and not anger. Talking it over, I realized, when you feel sadness after anger, it’s because you felt hurt or sad, and because of that, you get angry. Or something like that, I’m not sure I’m relating it well, but it’s okay. Overall, I’m just saying, with experiencing more emotions, I also have to learn how to deal with them. I can’t just run rampant, because I’ll step on people eventually.

Then we have the emotions that are fun to feel. Giddy, happy, and what not. And boy, am I enjoying these. I’m able to go and hang out with friends, take stupid pictures of myself flopping all over a kid’s playground, and not worry about, ‘oh no, what if someone comes?’ I’m able to hang out with friends and not worry about how they perceive me, and just enjoy hanging out with them.

And also, since I’ve kind of recently developed stronger feelings for a friend of mine, I wonder, is that because I’m more relaxed? Is it possible that just that one thing was keeping me from even accepting the possibility of liking another person more than friends? I’m not sure, a part of me wishes no. I don’t want my feelings to be a product of less anxiety, but a part of me is pretty sure that it’s true. But it’s okay, because, in the end, it’s still me. Either way, being able to talk to another person, open up, joke, compliment and be complimented, is a thoroughly invigorating experience. I also worry that it’s a repetition of a prior relationship, where it was all about the attention and was misguided. However, I don’t think it is. If it were, wouldn’t I have noticed by now? Either way, I’m experiencing more and more, and it’s opening my world up a little bit at a time. I’m finally able to almost reach what i always wanted. And yes, I could’ve started out by jumping into a relationship with him from the beginning, but I think this way is the best. Because, I don’t think I would’ve been able to open myself up to the idea of another person like I’m trying to now.

Before, I would imagine a boyfriend is all about fun! FUN FUN FUN. You get to kiss, hug, go places together, laugh together, and all that. But, it’s more than that. Sure, that’s a good aspect of it, but it seems that it’s all about compromising and enjoying the little things. I mean, enjoying cute quirks, laughing at the world’s ugliest halloween costume but still saying it looks good, and just enjoying that person’s company. And, it’s also about that person. You want them to be happy, to want to hang out with you, to think of you like you do. However, as i write that, the entire idea scares me. Because, it’s so much of an investment, a personal and emotional one. And with that, there’s the inevitability of being hurt, but I guess that’s the trade off. That’s why love is like a rose with thorns.

So i just wanted to rant and ramble about my thoughts on how my life is slowly and continuously changing. It’s scary and irresistible, and getting a taste of what life can be, if you aren’t stuck at the start wondering if you should even try to race. Because, in the end, it doesn’t matter if you looked like a total idiot, or that you regret saying something, it’s about how you live and deal with your problems, because they are inevitable and you’ll make yourself insane worrying about all the details. Trust me!

Off Day, On Day

Woke up early, didn't shower.
Returned a book to a girl. Offered her candy. She declined, I felt bad. In her defense she was extremely tired as well.
Went back to apartment, ate candy that girl declined, for breakfast. Masturbated then napped. Woke up feeling pretty good. Too lazy to shower, washed hair in sink and sprayed self/penis with body spray, which burned for a minute.
Rode bus. Sat next to pretty girl, said nothing. Skipped discussion. Went to lecture, sat next to candy girl and talked, she's good. Her friends sat next to me to be near her. We made smalltalk. New friends. Left class feeling good.
Went to other discussion, noticed general ugliness of the people in the class, and low ratio of girls to guys. Talked on AIM to people. Looked forward to work. Left class early, got diet Pepsi, then went to work.
Boss had assignment. People complaining about website I wrote. Fixed it. Played music I liked while working.
Left work, got picked up by friends to go buy a giftcard for other friends birthday. Nordstrom lady was nice.
Ate fatty fast food, went home. Wrote this.

Fatal Q

Chapter One: Outset

Splitting up, was that even a wise decision? Haven’t they heard of strength in numbers? Alexia doubted the decision. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust in herself or Vastira. But, after losing her family, her home, her ability to touch others, losing two more friends, even temporarily, was unsettling. Pushing back the thoughts, she spoke.

“Where are we heading?” she looked over at her companion. She was taller, wearing a long dark black coat that almost met the ground. Her slightly red hair stood out against the shadows cast on her face by the setting sun.

“I’m not sure. I guess we should head to the East and search the nearest town for any of them.” As she ended her sentence, her dark eyes shot upwards, previously content examining her weapon, they looked off into the distance. Memories passed through them, terrible memories, memories that made her grip her whip tightly in anger. “We MUST find those bastards.”

Alexia nodded. She remembered as well. The two continued on in silence. Walking through tall grassy fields, small animals flittering through the brush occasionally. Quickly, the sun was setting. Night would reach then within the hour, they’d have to find somewhere to rest, or at least their way out of the endless fields. A person could potentially get lost in them, unaware they were traveling in circles, it had happened to the best of the best.

“I don’t see any end to these fields, or this-” she said, pushing aside a particularly large wheat plant. “If we keep walking after nightfall, we could end up heading in the wrong direction.”

“You’re right.” Looking around, everything looked the same. “Well, no place better than the present.”

“I think it’s no time.” Corrected Alexia as she and Vastira started pushing down the plants in their vicinity.

“Haha, yea. That’s true, but you know what I mean.” As the two continued to try and bend the plants around them to provide for some area to rest and sleep, Vastira quickly became annoyed. “This process is taking too damn long!” Throwing down the plant she was holding, she whipped out her whip, and with a flick of her wrist, the thick cable stretched out, curved inwards, and sliced all the plants in its way. With another flick, she retracted the whip, pulling it back to herself. Alexia stood there amazed for a second, it was always a surprise when she did that, but she looked at her area, still full of plants, and then to her hands, the gloves were stained by the plants. “Much better…care to join me?”

—-

Laying with their heads propped up on the leftover plants, the two gazed up at the moon. A light breeze rolled through the fields, cooling them slightly. Alexia lay farther from Vastira, her gloved hands folded around herself and her legs pulled up and to the side. Her demeanor clearly showed she was aware of her curse, as did her clothing. From neck down to her feet, no piece of skin was exposed. She wore a long black undershirt and black tights, on top, she wore her flow-y top that hung slightly on her shoulders and draped over her arms, but which had straps that connected behind her back so that it would not fall in battle. She had a thin belt that was made of what seemed to be connected jewels and random charms. On her legs, she wore equally flow-y pants that almost touched the ground. Her ensemble was reminiscent of a very skin conscious belly dancer.

Vastira on the other head lay sprawled out, her hands behind her head. Her large trench coat was thin enough so that she didn’t get hot, even on a summer night. Underneath it, she wore a light red shirt and tight black pants, only visible in a fight or violent wind. Sighing she closed her eyes, and then…

Crack crack crack

Leaves and wheat stalks were being crushed, in amazingly fast succession. The two girls automatically sat up, and readied themselves. Something was coming, and it was large; not just another friendly mouse coming to say hi.

Vastira flicked her wrist and the whip whirred out around her, Alexia ripped off her gloves and took a fighting stance. The two girls shared a look and then stood closer to each other, ready for anything coming from any direction.

The sounds stopped as suddenly as they had started, but they knew not to think the threat gone. It was the silence before the storm. And just then, a sharp, louder, cracking sound was heard and they saw a shadow, or rather shadows. They were the shapes of midnight assassins, shrouded in darkness and as quick as a snake.

“Shit.” Cursed Alexia as she braced herself for the onslaught. One shadow flew at her, the back of a tonfa connecting with her. She held her stance, fighting back the pain, her eyes shining fiercely with adrenalin and the power of the curse. She’d eradicate this threat, immediately. Sliding her left leg behind her left, she pushed all her weight into her defending arm and pushed the assassin back, immediately, she swung around, and kicked the attacker, connecting with her stomach. If only she weren’t wearing her shoes…But no time for what ifs, the best defense is a strong offense! Running swiftly, her clothes following her as if she were dancing a mystical dance of death, Alexia landed successive punches of the crouched enemy. All of them blocked by clothed forearms. To end this, she’d have to touch the attackers face; although she’d rather not do it that way.

Meanwhile, Vastira was having her own battle. Attacked from behind, she managed to dodge a dagger, watching it embed itself in the nearby ground. She turned to face her attacker, her whip following her movements and encircling her once again, only this time, its movements were more violent.

“How naughty of you to sneak up on us…” The attacker didn’t stop or seemingly acknowledge her words, instead he rushed at her, dragging two long daggers in his wake behind him, slicing the air in two. He ran fast and swiftly, and then suddenly, as he neared a small tree he jumped up, using the trunk to push himself farther up. Rolling midair, feet over head, he landed square in front of Vastira. Responding she parried it with her whip; whipping it around quickly, slicing at him violently as she slowly retreated.

Somehow, someway, he was able to block the whip’s connection with his blades. Up top, down low, left, right, right, never missing once. Sliding low on his legs, he thrust both of the daggers up into the air, hitting the whip and throwing it off course, cutting off its momentum; falling limp to the ground. Vastira, shocked, threw her weapon down, it’d be too much of a hinderance now, and he’d shown he was completely capable of defending himself. She’d have to attack in another way.

Grinning the masked assassin ran towards her, keeping his back parallel to the ground, she stood firm as he neared. Then, as he threw his left dagger, she twirled to the side, fell down onto her knee. Reaching into the darkness of her trench coat, she withdrew a silver automatic. Within seconds she dispensed three shots, one after the other, none of them missing her mark. The attacker lay on the ground, bleeding and convulsing slightly. She walked towards him, calmly, breathing in slow and controlled breathes. Once above him she took aim, her eyes a cold apathetic color.

As a single shot was heard, Alexia turned her head, noticing that Vastira had secured her win. But she had her own attacker to deal with. A quicker, female assassin. Blocking the counter attacks, a jab, a left kick, a side kick, an uppercut. The other girl was obviously tiring and frantic, her breathing was erratic and heavy, and every time she attacked, she let out a scream of intensity. However desperate she was however, Alexia was more so. She couldn’t end her journey here, not now. As the girl kicked at Alexia, she was amazed to see it connect, directly hitting the girl’s side. At that time, Alexia grabbed her leg and tore the pants apart from the boot, exposing her skin.

“I’m sorry, but I have my own reasons…” With that, Alexia placed her bare hand on the girl’s skin. She convulsed and turned a pale white color, gurgling slightly, she fell to the ground. Dead. “Vastira, look alive, I think there was one more.”

“I know, i saw him too. But..” scanning the field, she saw no movement. Then suddenly a scream, as Alexia was pulled into the darkness. Vastira ran quickly to where she last saw her friend. Looking for movement she saw none. But, Alexia was not wearing her gloves, if the attacker was stupid enough, she’d be able to touch his face, and that’d be the end. She hoped.

Alexia fought against her attacker, but her hands were pinned to her side as she was secured by large arms. She wiggled, try to break free, but a gloved hand was covering her mouth, keeping her from signaling to her friend. Why does everyone have to wear gloves?!

Suddenly, she felt a strong slight wind brush over her face. And a black, almost snake like object almost connected with her face, cutting her attackers gloves. Seizing the chance, she put all her power and weight into her most painful attack yet, she elbowed her attacker, as hard as she could. Taking him off gaurd, her elbows dug into his skin, causing him to grunt in pain, loosening his hold on her. Quickly, she grabbed his hand with her free hands, felt them and found the part where they’d been cut, digging her fingers into it, widening the fabric so that she’d have a tactile connection.

Then he fell to the ground, gurgling and pale. He was a large man, stalky and robust. Dropping lightly to the floor, she saw her friend looking at her, face pale from fear, but smirking in approval. Her whip was down to her right, her hand gripping the base tightly, and all the grass in a radius of 6 feet was gone, cropped. “Thanks.”

“No problem, I would’ve used my gun, but I couldn’t see him.” Winking, she continued, “Plus, I knew you could handle a little cut from my whip.”

“Haha, i suppose…” The two laughed and smiled at each other. However, as if quickly remembering how she’d killed her enemies, Alexia bent over and picked up her gloves, putting them on as fast as she could. “I wonder who they were..”

“Let’s find out, shall we?” With that the two girls removed the clothing from their attackers face. Once done, they searched through their items, looking for an insignia, a sign, something that would betray their origins. All that they found out about the younger two attackers were that one was a girl, the other a boy. Both around the ages of 17 or 18, slightly younger than themselves. They had a reserve of kunai and smaller weapons on their person, but that was it. On the larger man, however, they found a small dagger with a small symbol engraved in it. It looked like a snake encircling a small bird. Glancing at each other they nodded, they recognized that sign.

It was their sign. Whoever sent them worked for them. Moreover, whoever sent them, knew their whereabouts. Knew that they’d split, that it’d be the best time to attack. If this was true, then their other two companions were in for a battle themselves….

Waiting to be fed

Spent this morning pleasuring myself to thoughts about friends and possible realistic opportunities. Then decided to think about life and my status in this world, and the progress that I've made in the last year or so. It's considerable, but not done yet. I begin to wonder if it will ever be done, and whether or not I will ever be the man I dream of being: strong, self-driven, courageous, willing to sacrifice myself for others, willing and able to protect, physically and otherwise, the people I care about the most. And incredibly handsome in a classy but still boyish kind of way.

Not there yet. So far I'm not particularly strong, overweight and while I do want to protect my friends and family, the opportunity has never come up so I don't know what I'd do in those situations. I play them out in my head often, trying to force myself to feel realistic feelings of fear, anger, despair, and then battle them as I would have to in real life. Who knows if this had helped.

For the Lost

Prologue

A red sun is half hidden by the dark mountains in the horizon. Wispy clouds float lightly in the air, while the blood-red dusk looks menacingly over green valleys and scattered lakes and ponds. A rabbit hops out from beyond a bush, pauses timidly, and proceeds to head straight for the patch of fresh greens on the other side of the clearing. The pair of eyes looking from under the pile of leaves a few feet away narrow, almost in humor, as the Grey wolf jumps out and heads to the rabbit's den. Inside were the baby bunnies, huddled in a corner. Their large eyes stare fearfully at the jaws of sharp white teeth, but they have no way to escape their fate of being in his stomach.
Suddenly a zing sound is heard, and a metal rope attaches itself to the wolf's bushy tail. He yelps, and try to run away, but the rope holds fast, and it reels him in, his claws digging into the ground as he struggles for freedom. His still struggling body finally lay against a pair of black boots and his back is almost covered by the hem of a black leather trench coat.
"Just like a man. First you gotta get a tight hold of them on their tail, and then just drag them in." The woman holding the automated rope dispenser taps it on her other gloved palm, nonchalantly looking at the large wolf at her feet. "Then you have to test their stupidity..." Just as she finished speaking, the wolf snarled and without a warning, lunged at her neck. Without flinching or moving an inch, the woman pressed a trio of buttons on the dispenser and a buzz is heard as the wolf snarls fade into whimpering, the fur around its tail slightly smoking from the electricity. "...and lastly, you show them who's boss." A feral grin crosses her face.
"Vastira, don't be so cruel to the poor soul." A tall, androgynous figure with black hair and skin the color of vibrant chestnut walks up behind her, glancing serenely at the wolf, who is now just calmly lying on the ground, cleaning its paw. On the left side of his face is a tattoo of an ancient mediation symbol, etched onto one Selected from each generation, while his body is covered with white slacks and a bright blue scarf. His torso is bare.
The smile doesn't leave her face. "No, Penny. It's not cruel as long as you don't kill them."
A woman with a soft gait, an ample chest, and waves of curly brown hair glides to the den, where she kneels to look in. She smiles softly. "Tira had a reason, Pen. They're all okay." At first her hands reaches into the den to pet the bunnies, but then a shadow falls upon her face, and she draws her hands back. She stares at her hand, drops her head, and gets up. The light silky dress-pants flows gently around and behind her.
Vastira rolled her eyes. "Mhm-hm. Alexia's right. I saved the bunnies. Woo-hoo! Now they can be our dinner." She released the grip on the wolf's tail, and retracted the rope, sliding the dispenser into a thigh-holster. The wolf looked at her. She looked at the wolf.
He got up, licked her hand, and then laid down again.
Someone behind her released a large breath. "Geez, Tira. How can you ever be so calm when an uncontrollable ferocious animal is right there?!?" Vastira turns around, and puts her hand on the speaker's shoulders.
"Meem, it's all about skill and practice."
Staring disbelievingly at Vastira were light brown eyes, on a petite and delicate face, ringed by large brown curls. Her mouth curved into a frown. "It's Mimi, Tira. I hate that nickname." Pause. "Plus, aren't you hot in that crazy black getup?"
"Baby, I'm always hot."
Mimi scoffs, while Penny curls his lip. Alexia doesn't even notice. She sits on a rock and stares into the distance.
Mimi strides away from a grinning Vastira, who crosses her arms and stares at her retreating back. Khaki capris, a two-layer white and green top, and a green hat, along with an impressively thick belt, completes the team leader's image.
She stands on the edge of a hill, looking down into the valley. Small piles of cinders lay in circles.
"They were just here not too long ago."
Alexia closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. She slowly opens them. "There's two different scents. One going that way," she said, pointing towards the mountains, "and one going that way." Her finger changes direction, toward a lake where a flock of black crows are flying and cawing over.
"But we also have," Penny included, his mouth barely moving as he talks, "a team right on our heels." He glances over at the individual members of the group. Peaceful, deceptively-innocent Alexia, strong and stubborn Mimi, forceful and cynical Vastira.
"What are we going to do?"
"Well, for Natas's sake we can't move to two places at once," Vastira adds, rechecking the pistols and knives on various part of her body, "but we also can't stay here."
Mimi takes out a throwing star from her side pouch. "That leaves us with only one choice." Her hand glides over the edges and contours of the weapon.
"In order for us to avenge the murder of our village..." Penny begins.
"...we must kill them all." Alexia whispers.
"Without being killed first," Vastira adds.
"Lethal Q," Mimi begins, "our joint journey must stop at this point. Our goal to form a Team was not to bond, not to have dreams, not to play around. It was merely a tool for us to start somewhere, in our hunt to bring down those who have brought us down."
Penny draws out something from his chest pocket. In his palm are four amulets, each having a different symbol sewed onto the packet.
"For Mimi, we have Earth," he murmurs, "as stable and solid as the land we tread upon." He hands her a brown amulet. He gives the green one to Alexia. "For Alexia we have water, as gentle but as unpredictable as can be." He hands the red one to Vastira. "For you we have Flame, as passionate and voracious as the brightest light from the sun in the sky." He clasps the blue amulet. "And for me, I have the air, everywhere but nowhere."
All at once, the four put the amulets around their necks.
"We have two Fighter and two Seekers in our midst. Alexia and Vastira, you will go to the Vortex Mountains. Penny,you will be with me, and we will seek the other team. Remember our goal."
Alexia's eyes widen. "We're definitely splitting?"
Mimi looks down. "Yes. As leader, I must make it so we don't lose sight of why we are here. Remember that. And when you stumble across wealth, shun it."
"When you begin to dream, wake up." Penny's gentle voice carries as far as the wolf's ears.
"When you start to doubt, remember our dying parents' faces." Tears roll down Alexia's face.
Vastira pulls out a Magnum. "And when you see love, shoot it."
"Lethal Quartet, don't forget!" Mimi holds up a ceremonial knife, of which there was only four of the same kind. Each member draws out their own, handmade and handbeaten, on the cold stones of their village's ravaged streets.
With one last glance at each other, they split into their respective groups, and set out.