What if...

People say that if you wish for something hard enough, you'll get it. Does that actually work? Do people just close their eyes and not eat or sleep for days and instead of passing out from exhaustion, they get that pony they want, or that 4.8 GPA?
Cuz if it's true, I will sooo sell my soul for that GPA.
College, of course, is more difficult than high school. It's also more fun, filled with new people, fun times, brilliant professors... I guess in a way, it could be that tentative gap-filler between comfort and reality. In a sense. I still have 21 credits, I still gotta work, and I still gotta write for my magazine and teach piano to students who wanna learn (isn't that crazy?) as well as balance enough time for my mad-obsession with my prof.
Actually, it's slowly been dying down, which is sorta weird. I guess the white strands in his curly dark hair and lines of his face are finally traversing past the illusion of perfection and through my actual eyeballs. But he's still so very attractive. Even if he is one year younger than my mom and has kids. And is short-ish. And is too busy to have office hours.
But I'm getting off topic. Just recently, I have published a mini-album, called, "Songs of College"
Track 1: "Apologize" by One Republic and Timbaland
"...it's too late.... it's too late to un-obsessionize... it's too late... (many verses later) got my hands-feet tied to the ground..."
Track 2: "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent
"...i'll take you to the candy shop... let your kids buy some lollipops... go ahead prof don't you stop... keep going until i get you off whoa"
Track 3: "Gallery" by Mario
"...tell me that my love is worth your soul, tell me what's the reason you hold off, when you know that school has a whole department of 'em just like you"
Track 4: "Gold-digger" by Kanye West
"now i'm sayin' i ain't no gold-digger... but i ain't messin' with no young creatures..."
...and MUCH much more! Visit your local IAMCRAZY store to buy this amazing new CD! It only costs $1.99 (plus shipping and handling... which comes out to a total of: your soul)
But wait, there's more!
(just kidding. there's no free shit here. it's college)

So today I made progress in how it's going. We talked, we laughed, he finally found out my name... but do I honestly want to do this ("this" meaning pursuit)? Like, it's finally breaking through the shell that is my infatuation that "he is a fucking middle-age man!" (the fucking part i'm totally fine with, by the way) and that he's a complete generation above me (i mean, physically being above is totally fine).... and I'm not one of those who would sleep with her prof for grades and i don't find myself creaming at the sight of him. But there's just something about him that makes me not want to stop lusting after him.
I mean, I think I could be satisfied if we just sat down and talked sexy for a couple hours, then grabbed a coffee or dinner, and then he'd tell me I was beautiful and such, and maybe a little first base action, then i'd be pretty satisfied. But what are the chances of that?
If I walked up to him in private or set up an appointment, closed the door, and said, "Prof, I think you're the sexiest thing right now, and I want you to talk dirty to me, before heading for a first or second touchdown," what would come out of it besides a wide-eyed stare, slack jaws, and a possible sexual harassment suit? I don't know. And I'm not brave (or crazy- and that's sayin' something) enough to risk it.
I know that this is temporary, but I want it to last for a long time. That way, with all my attention focused on a man that I know is 90% unattainable, I won't be straying toward over-obsessing of a lot of guys, which would be exhausting and useless (i've done that quite a few times)... and since my obsessions always last such a short time (since i always give up) i want to see what a true, long, obsession is like... just to know how it feels. i'm going to be here for another two and a half years and (hopefully) he will be too... and i can request him as my advisor and I can see him once in a while to talk about classes and such, and just hide this crush for a long time so i won't give up because it still has a chance of happening.
But the problem with that is, i'm impatient. i hate waiting for anything. "gimme it now!" and "do it today so you don't need to do it tomorrow" are two of my fave sayings. but in this case, i want to wait. i want to wait so that while my feelings slowly fade away, his romantic feelings for me will slowly develop (he's divorced, i'm 98% sure) and that when he finally says what i've wanted to hear for years (after my graduation) he'll have to fight for my love. But that goes back to stupid "knight in shining armor" me deep inside me, the one i've been trying to murder for the past 4 years. Why won't it die already?! Why isn't it succumbing to my pessimistic realistic "nothing good will ever last" self?
I don't know. I don't know what I want, I don't know why I want it, I don't know how I could want it. I don't know what to do, what to say, how to say it, if I ever will, who I should say it to.
My mind is like a puzzle. Even if i designed it myself, I don't know how it goes back together because the pieces are, well, pieces. Trying to figure myself out isn't turning out so well, and I don't know why I even want to.
He's so smart, so funny... his sense of humor is to die for, and he's mature. But there's many boys out there who're like that... just not the mature part. But if they're out there, i can't find them! Where are they? Hiding in caves? Sipping apple juice in Wisconsin? Where are THEY!?!?
He has everything I want in a man. Except for the whole kids thing. but besides that, he's perfect. It wasn't love at first sight. But it definitely was love at first speech. His eloquence, the power in his lectures, that bank of knowledge he hides behind that jew-ish fro-y hair and those beautiful baby grey-blues, is just so very tempting.
Eve was tempted by a snake and an apple. She was thrown out of the Garden of Eden.
I am tempted by a man whose knowledge knows no bounds, whose passion in his work has a high possibility of transferring to his bed, a man who walks sorta funny but endearingly... but I definitely don't want to be thrown out of Cornell.

Will it die off? Will I keep this eternal flame burning for a man whose beauty is only marred by his children and his age? It seems quite possible that it will fade away. But while it is here, I want to hold it. I want to caress it and crush it to my chest, breathing in the scent of infatuation and admiration, of dreams and hopes, so that it might sink into my body, where the warmth of its embrace will linger even after the embers have long since burnt out.