Running the Race

So, it seems that when you aren’t constantly busy worrying about what could happen or if what happened was really what should’ve happened (or if you just stop worrying in general) there is a lot more to experience. Things seem to evolve into much more, and you feel a wider range of emotions. In other words, I’ve started to feel new things. Like, goofiness, dorkiness, flirty-ness, sadness, anger, regret, excitement, giddiness, and it’s making my brain run amok! It’s like, gone from this hermit that bites nails to this person running around with everyone else.

Like, right now, I still feel bad about something that happened the other day. When it was happening, I let myself get lost in anger and frustration, and hurt. But it wasn’t any good, it accomplished nothing positive or worthwhile and I would change it if i could. Just like Thich Nhat Hanh’s books say, we need to let go of anger. And it’s true, because, after a short time, the anger was gone, and I was just sitting there, feeling regret and not anger. Talking it over, I realized, when you feel sadness after anger, it’s because you felt hurt or sad, and because of that, you get angry. Or something like that, I’m not sure I’m relating it well, but it’s okay. Overall, I’m just saying, with experiencing more emotions, I also have to learn how to deal with them. I can’t just run rampant, because I’ll step on people eventually.

Then we have the emotions that are fun to feel. Giddy, happy, and what not. And boy, am I enjoying these. I’m able to go and hang out with friends, take stupid pictures of myself flopping all over a kid’s playground, and not worry about, ‘oh no, what if someone comes?’ I’m able to hang out with friends and not worry about how they perceive me, and just enjoy hanging out with them.

And also, since I’ve kind of recently developed stronger feelings for a friend of mine, I wonder, is that because I’m more relaxed? Is it possible that just that one thing was keeping me from even accepting the possibility of liking another person more than friends? I’m not sure, a part of me wishes no. I don’t want my feelings to be a product of less anxiety, but a part of me is pretty sure that it’s true. But it’s okay, because, in the end, it’s still me. Either way, being able to talk to another person, open up, joke, compliment and be complimented, is a thoroughly invigorating experience. I also worry that it’s a repetition of a prior relationship, where it was all about the attention and was misguided. However, I don’t think it is. If it were, wouldn’t I have noticed by now? Either way, I’m experiencing more and more, and it’s opening my world up a little bit at a time. I’m finally able to almost reach what i always wanted. And yes, I could’ve started out by jumping into a relationship with him from the beginning, but I think this way is the best. Because, I don’t think I would’ve been able to open myself up to the idea of another person like I’m trying to now.

Before, I would imagine a boyfriend is all about fun! FUN FUN FUN. You get to kiss, hug, go places together, laugh together, and all that. But, it’s more than that. Sure, that’s a good aspect of it, but it seems that it’s all about compromising and enjoying the little things. I mean, enjoying cute quirks, laughing at the world’s ugliest halloween costume but still saying it looks good, and just enjoying that person’s company. And, it’s also about that person. You want them to be happy, to want to hang out with you, to think of you like you do. However, as i write that, the entire idea scares me. Because, it’s so much of an investment, a personal and emotional one. And with that, there’s the inevitability of being hurt, but I guess that’s the trade off. That’s why love is like a rose with thorns.

So i just wanted to rant and ramble about my thoughts on how my life is slowly and continuously changing. It’s scary and irresistible, and getting a taste of what life can be, if you aren’t stuck at the start wondering if you should even try to race. Because, in the end, it doesn’t matter if you looked like a total idiot, or that you regret saying something, it’s about how you live and deal with your problems, because they are inevitable and you’ll make yourself insane worrying about all the details. Trust me!