Thanksgiving

Well, I wanted to post something on here, since it hasn't been updated, so here I go. :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING To all you guys~

Whether you are enjoying with all your family, or with friends, or yourself, I hope it's an enjoyable day. I used to think that thanksgiving wasn't any fun after my grandparents passed away, just because it turned into just another day at home, but with extremely good food. But, i've grown to learn that thanksgiving is what you make it, whether you are with a lot of people or not. It's just about enjoying a day off of school, work, and to enjoy time by doing whatever you want. For us, it's watching movies together in the living room, some of us online, some playing with the pets, or some reading, but nevertheless all together. To me, this is fun, it's thanksgiving.

So, whatever type of thanksgiving you enjoy. Whether it's at a dorm, or at your aunt's house, or your cousins' house, or at home, i hope that today is a fun and memorable day. :)

Also, in the name of the holiday, I'm going to list things i'm thankful for. :)
I am thankful for:
All my friends~ My aud boi, my wifey, my lucifer, and everyone
My Family~ even my evil brother :)
My job, even though they aren't the most professional of managers
My bf, cus he's super awesome and cool. :)
The good food imma eat. NOM NOM NOM
And everything else that is good and awesome. :)
So whatever you guys are thankful for, whether it be big or super small, like that delicious cookie, or chips and salsa that you are addicted to, just enjoy the day and revel in happiness. Don't worry about money, work, or anything of that sort, and just be happy~~ Oh, and eat lotsa pie, pumpkin pie, with whip cream. NOM NOM NOM~

*smells turkey* well, i'm done with this post, don't have anything else to say about turkey day. or tofurkey if you're vegetarian.

Friendships are Tricky

Or rather, good friendships are tricky.

I've learned the hard way that if you push a friendship too hard, it snaps like a twig. I used to be good friends with a girl, so naturally I wanted to talk to her as much as possible. Talked to her too much. Now we're not friends.

So since then I've been very cautious not to push and to make sure everything is always OK. Ironically, this is just as bad as pushing too hard. Overly cautious causes problem, and I fear I have damaged a friendship because of this. See, I have two very good friends. One friend lives pretty close to me, and I worried I hurt our friendship because I accidentally revealed a secret. So I did some damage control and apologized a lot to show that I really was sorry and I really cared. She was fine, so now we're definitely good, more or less.

But I brought up the story with my other really good friend, cordially referred to as New York friend, and she was the one that said that I shouldn't overreact because then I might actually hurt the friendship when there was nothing wrong to begin with. Then she said that I had probably done that to her a few times, but she couldn't really remember. Great, my life is a giant Catch 22. If I try too hard, if I really show how much I appreciate this friend, how much I care, snap. Like a twig. Too little and of course we dwindle away into non-friendship. So I guess I need to tone it down a bit, if the damage hasn't already been done.

So that's been on my mind lately. Whether we're cool or not, whether our lack of talking is because I had done something wrong earlier that she never talked to me about, or whether yet again I'm just over thinking things. Either way I've come to a couple conclusions.

One, I am way too attached to my friends. Clingy. I didn't have a whole lot of friends growing up so I tend to latch on to the few I do have. That's bad news. So I'm going to go through a period of time where I talk to them a lot less on AIM. Right now for most of my friends, I am always the one to start the conversation, which I can only assume means that they have better thing to do than talk to me and that they don't really care either way. Or not, I have no idea. But I can't ask any of them, especially New York friend, because asking... that would be pushing. So now I wait in silence for something to happen. Of course again, this may just be overthinking.

Secondly, I do have to learn to live my life alone. Most of the reason I'm so very attached to my friends is because they have helped me get through a lot of things, and for that I am eternally grateful. But now I am at a much higher emotional stability than I used to be, so I need to stop bothering them whenever I have some issue, I need to handle it myself. Not every conversation can be about some deep emotional thing I'm thinking about, just on rare occasion. Well, this blog will be there if anyone is ever curious.

This is a large part of my life and it aint over yet. Hopefully soon though.

Thoughts

Okay, so Lucy suggested that I write about how we can’t eat whatever we want without fear of weight gain. And that is so true! I’ve been worried about that myself. I confess….i had THE WORST breakfast today. I had the leftover cheesecake my mom got me and some tortillas *w/o butter if that makes it any better…* So after eating as such i automatically felt like a piggy. Like, if someone knew how i ate they would stick a giant red P on my shirt and beat me senseless, while calling me names. So, to repent for my sins, i decided that that would be my lunch and breakfast. And possibly dinner if i don’t feel like going anywhere on my lunchbreak at work.

But….is this way of thinking right? To punish oneself for not eating right? Isn’t that what we are taught? That if you eat too much snacks, too many sugary goodies, that you are a bad person? That the ‘good,’ ‘beautiful’ people don’t eat like that. Heck no, and if they do, they make sure to repent in their own ways. Either by exercising excessively or gagging themselves. (at least in women’s cases, i don’t know if guys really do that, but who knows) Either way, it happens, because people see food as bad, yet we are bombarded with it, we even have to eat. So should it always be a chore? Should we rejoice when we eat less than normal? Or worry?

I think about these things, but in the moment, at the time, I feel so damn guilty. Like, HAH, that’s why you have thighs like that, or why you have a tummy. Because you have no self control. I even worry that that’s what people will see when they see me, but that’s not realistic is it? I mean, I don’t look at people and think, CHEESECAKE EATER! So why do we have this distorted image?

Is it because it’s the one true way to become skinny and beautiful? Because that’s what i think sometimes. That if i didn’t eat so much, i’d be prettier. But is that even that rational of an idea? To castigate ourselves for eating dessert? Or to do so to others and think less of them for eating a bunch of fattening cookies?

Where does this image even come from? I’m sure as a kid we don’t think this way. Is it media? Broadcasting stories of skinny women thinking they are fat and trying to become skinnier? Or publicizing how you, too, can get this body? Or that to be healthy you shouldn’t weight so much? What is it? Is it all of them? And why do we all buy into it?

I don’t advocate for the opposite, we can’t gorge ourselves on everything and become sick, but i don’t think we should associate sweets or even just eating with something negative. However, i haven’t found out how to achieve this myself. I think, well if i do that, no one will see me differently, i’ll just gain weight and they’ll think i’m a piggy. So should we stop criticizing something we’ve all accepted and just go with it? I think not, i think it should be okay to weigh whatever you want to, because not everyone can be skinny and some people are stuck within the constraints of their own bone structure. So i think, maybe in an idealistic situation, we will eat sweets and enjoy them. We will accept individuals of all sizes and shapes. I mean, even those ladies in magazines aren’t that perfect, they get photoshopped and altered. So shouldn’t we accept what is real and less than perfect in the realization that perfection is not achievable and the path to it can be detrimental and unnecessary. I’m not sure… But i can say…i didn’t eat lunch. so maybe that’s proof this can’t really happen because we are all so deeply engrained?

Pie

I ate a pie in my dreams. It tasted like blood and crunched like bone. I looked at it, held it before my eyes, and saw that it was filled with many small babies. Tiny children the size of plums, if even that large. I took another bite, and I savored it. It was a cold, cold day in the lost village in my dream. I was feasting with a host of shriveled vampires around a large oval table in a cobwebbed room.

I did not heed the warning in my mind, or the ravenous stares the vampires directed toward me; I took another bite, gore dribbled from my chin, and the table candles flickered in the wind. There was an old Turkey on the center of the table, moldy, dusty, and still I contemplated eating it.

I realized as I took another slice of pie that the vampires around the table had stopped eating and were all inching ever so closer to me. I took another bite of pie. I remembered that I should go before they began to move more quickly. I stood up, not in any hurry though. I side-stepped the withered old woman next to whom I had been sitting and who had risen with me.

And I ran for the door, and I made it to the door, and I stuck my tongue out at the vampires before I slammed said door in their ugly, wrinkled faces.

Then I went for a walk.