Thoughts

Okay, so Lucy suggested that I write about how we can’t eat whatever we want without fear of weight gain. And that is so true! I’ve been worried about that myself. I confess….i had THE WORST breakfast today. I had the leftover cheesecake my mom got me and some tortillas *w/o butter if that makes it any better…* So after eating as such i automatically felt like a piggy. Like, if someone knew how i ate they would stick a giant red P on my shirt and beat me senseless, while calling me names. So, to repent for my sins, i decided that that would be my lunch and breakfast. And possibly dinner if i don’t feel like going anywhere on my lunchbreak at work.

But….is this way of thinking right? To punish oneself for not eating right? Isn’t that what we are taught? That if you eat too much snacks, too many sugary goodies, that you are a bad person? That the ‘good,’ ‘beautiful’ people don’t eat like that. Heck no, and if they do, they make sure to repent in their own ways. Either by exercising excessively or gagging themselves. (at least in women’s cases, i don’t know if guys really do that, but who knows) Either way, it happens, because people see food as bad, yet we are bombarded with it, we even have to eat. So should it always be a chore? Should we rejoice when we eat less than normal? Or worry?

I think about these things, but in the moment, at the time, I feel so damn guilty. Like, HAH, that’s why you have thighs like that, or why you have a tummy. Because you have no self control. I even worry that that’s what people will see when they see me, but that’s not realistic is it? I mean, I don’t look at people and think, CHEESECAKE EATER! So why do we have this distorted image?

Is it because it’s the one true way to become skinny and beautiful? Because that’s what i think sometimes. That if i didn’t eat so much, i’d be prettier. But is that even that rational of an idea? To castigate ourselves for eating dessert? Or to do so to others and think less of them for eating a bunch of fattening cookies?

Where does this image even come from? I’m sure as a kid we don’t think this way. Is it media? Broadcasting stories of skinny women thinking they are fat and trying to become skinnier? Or publicizing how you, too, can get this body? Or that to be healthy you shouldn’t weight so much? What is it? Is it all of them? And why do we all buy into it?

I don’t advocate for the opposite, we can’t gorge ourselves on everything and become sick, but i don’t think we should associate sweets or even just eating with something negative. However, i haven’t found out how to achieve this myself. I think, well if i do that, no one will see me differently, i’ll just gain weight and they’ll think i’m a piggy. So should we stop criticizing something we’ve all accepted and just go with it? I think not, i think it should be okay to weigh whatever you want to, because not everyone can be skinny and some people are stuck within the constraints of their own bone structure. So i think, maybe in an idealistic situation, we will eat sweets and enjoy them. We will accept individuals of all sizes and shapes. I mean, even those ladies in magazines aren’t that perfect, they get photoshopped and altered. So shouldn’t we accept what is real and less than perfect in the realization that perfection is not achievable and the path to it can be detrimental and unnecessary. I’m not sure… But i can say…i didn’t eat lunch. so maybe that’s proof this can’t really happen because we are all so deeply engrained?