A journey through fire, ice, and needles

There's been times when I wanted to laugh. I laughed.
There's been times when I wanted to cry. I cried.

But for those times that I've wanted to love, there's never been a moment without doubt, without a sense of insecurity, without some sort of sadness. How can that be? Isn't love supposed to strengthen, to ward off evil, to conquer the demon of sorrow?
Through these (barely) 20 years of my life, there's many multiple attempts to revolt against the constant optimism, the everlasting gladness that somehow, tricks the heart into thinking that the happiness would last. Sadly, these battles have been lost, and I have charged forward in my desire to love and be loved... battles of stupidity, rather.
Too late had logic entered this brain, too futile had efforts been to remove this cursed disease of emotion... too sad had my hopes been that failure was the only answer. I suppose it is even too much to ask for that they forget... for there must have been something there first in order to forget...
Beyond all previous rants and hatred upon every individual, a certain close friend of mine reminded me that it was because I still had optimism and aspirations that I fell so far... and so hard, when the ultimate truth would hit me. Right in the face. Sucker punched like someone far stupider than me and my dreams.
But it was true. My regrets, my past, my present, and my still unclear future lie there, in the darkness, waiting for realization from their owner, while I continue to wander in the meadows of ignorance. I no longer relive my regrets because I know they are regrets, but my past haunts me in my dreams and my present, making me immobile in the face of such pain. There is no escape.
My present looms in the air, taunting me with its knowing smirk and tilted head, almost as if it knows where everything is going. And my future... well, it can't get any worse. I hope.
It's in these dreams that I realize what my mind wants me to see. The places, the people... the life. I see large, luxurious houses that are vacant, money piling up to make mountains, the power of flight... and him.

Who knows what poison I drank to feel this way? And what trickery the three Fates had prescribed in my medication?
I wanted flings. I got a painful friendship.
I wanted kisses. I got an inevitable distance.
I wanted comfort. I got insecurity.
I wanted him... I got nothing.
Nothing except the thin slice of hope that still resides in my beating heart, a heart that I thought was once dead, which I hoped was dead. But it still thadumps. It beats to render me a fool. A fool no longer able to see what she wants.
What exactly do I want? What do I need? This is all wrong...
I wanted someone foreign, but now I need one of a rather familiar race...
I wanted someone social, but now I need a wallflower...
I wanted someone amazingly sexy, but now I need... someone real.
Looks, aspirations, ideals, and personality no longer matter anymore. That's so extremely frightening. It doesn't matter what I want... but what has become of all my standards, my list of requirements... my desires.

Never before was I willing to wait, for my impatience is well-known. Never before was I willing to just stay at a distance, being happy just because he and I exist, for my greediness exceeds measurement. Never before... was I willing to alter what I believed in, all that I cared for... to get one smile, one laugh, one extra moment, for my steadfastness goes beyond the density of stone.
But now... everything is different. I want to wait, I want to make somebody of him, of me, of us... I actually feel a desire to sacrifice part of myself to be with him. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THIS GIRL THAT RESIDES IN MY BODY?
Platonic never felt like a bigger knife being thrust and then rotated endlessly in my chest. It cuts into the lungs, dragging the air from my body. It hits my stomach, where it just clenches in pain. And lastly, it tears away the tissue from the beating heart that never should have been, never should have beat in joy and hope. It never should have even mattered.
Perhaps I am being overdramatic... perhaps I'm turning into one of those women whom I detest. But it's not fair. It's really not fair.
Do I have to crawl on my hands and knees over hot needles to make him realize what I would do for him?
Does he have to see my soul in order to know that he possesses it?
And even if I do all that, can he even overcome his own requirements and goals to see the possibilities?
I suppose that'd be taking too much for granted. Silly me, taking things for granted again.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore, since this episode of my life is over. The familial closeness that we've achieved is only going to go downhill from here, the friendliness that we've garnered will only evaporate into the cold frosty air of Ithaca... the spark that I've carried for him will just fade away into the darkness of reality.

For, there is no such thing as a forever flame... but who am I to say whether there is or not, since I've never gotten a taste of the sweet ambrosia that is forever...

MY STORY

*based on a real story, some names and facts were edited to protect the identity of those involved*

[23:21] MP: n tell me the story again, nana, of how high i went on the wave...
[23:21] MP:
[23:21] NarratorAM: hahah
[23:22] NarratorAM: you went very high my dear
[23:22] NarratorAM: it was a semi-foggy-semi-sunny day
[23:22] NarratorAM: the gulls were out in full force!
[23:23] NarratorAM: the sound of the booming waves could be heard for miles
[23:23] NarratorAM: but that did not stop the tiny, yet strong, warrior
[23:24] NarratorAM: she grabbed her floating ride
[23:24] NarratorAM: took her guide
[23:24] NarratorAM: n ventured off into the deep n dangerous abyss
[23:25] NarratorAM: as she floated on, she looked into the horizon, n all she could see were miles n miles of water, no land could be seen
[23:25] NarratorAM: but the tiny warrior floated on
[23:26] NarratorAM: her guide had scoped out the trail before hand, but he could not predict what would happen next
[23:27] NarratorAM: as she was floatin, the waves became more violent
[23:27] NarratorAM: n tore the warrior from her guide
[23:27] NarratorAM: they were separated, n she was left alone
[23:28] NarratorAM: she felt helpless, as did her guide, for he could no longer help her, and guide her to safety
[23:28] NarratorAM: he watched, horrified, as they slowly drifted further n further apart
[23:29] NarratorAM: n then
[23:29] NarratorAM: a loud, thunderous roar!
[23:29] NarratorAM: the waves slowly lifted the warrior higher, n higher, n higher!
[23:30] NarratorAM: n soon, she was high above the land
[23:30] NarratorAM: the tiny warrior gripped her mighty steed as strong as she could
[23:30] MP: i thought it was gone?
[23:30] NarratorAM: was it?
[23:31] NarratorAM: lol
[23:31] MP: *continuity errors*
[23:31] NarratorAM: but the wave was so strong, that not even the tiny warrior's strong grip could save her
[23:31] MP: LOLLLL
[23:31] MP: you ignored it
[23:31] MP: HAHHAHAHAHAH
[23:31] NarratorAM: her boat floated away
[23:32] NarratorAM: (fixed) hahaha
[23:32] MP: lollll
[23:32] MP: boat
[23:32] NarratorAM: the warrior was tossed into the see
[23:32] NarratorAM: the waves devouring her
[23:32] MP: nomnomnom
[23:32] NarratorAM: *sea
[23:33] NarratorAM: she rolled n tumbled n tried to find her steed
[23:33] NarratorAM: but he had vanished
[23:33] MP: loll
[23:33] MP: my boogie board?
[23:33] NarratorAM: yes
[23:33] NarratorAM: haha
[23:33] NarratorAM: shhh
[23:33] MP: is a steed,ride,boat?
[23:33] MP: HAHAHHA
[23:33] NarratorAM: YES
[23:33] NarratorAM: SHHHH
[23:33] MP: LOLL
[23:34] NarratorAM: as the waves tossed her n the water engulfed her
[23:34] NarratorAM: she feared she would never make it to the surface again
[23:35] NarratorAM: with all her might, she fought n fought
[23:35] NarratorAM: n finally, with all her strength almost gone, she surfaced to the top
[23:35] NarratorAM: gasping for air
[23:35] NarratorAM: her body bruised
[23:36] NarratorAM: her stamina gone
[23:36] NarratorAM: her life... in tact
[23:36] MP: lollll
[23:36] NarratorAM: the tiny warrior was soon reunited with her steed n her guide
[23:36] MP: lolll
[23:36] MP: mysteed was tied to me
[23:37] NarratorAM: shhh
[23:37] NarratorAM: they don't have to know that
[23:37] NarratorAM: hahaha
[23:37] MP: LOL
[23:37] NarratorAM: tho badly beaten, the warrior was determined to continue her journey
[23:37] MP: loll
[23:37] MP: to sanddd
[23:37] NarratorAM: and she finally made it safely to land
[23:38] NarratorAM: the end

The Princess of Ice

She is made of white,

She is born of coal,

She dines on flurry,

She dances with snow,

She shares no solace,

She spares no smiles,

She is her own,

She is alone,

And her only vice,

is she turned herself to ice.

Picture from: (http://nicolas-henri.deviantart.com/art/Perish-75874553?qj=1&q=boost%3Apopular+ice+princess&qo=443)

UPdate~

Well, I'm posting partially because everytime I randomly check this site for any new stories or fun reads, it's always the same thing. Not that the last post was bad at all, ;p but it's a few months old. So yea, random post time!!

RTOTD

#1.) When even your customers tell you that you could get a better job, you know that means something...
#2.) A straight guy that likes to talk on the phone exists. *disclaimer: he is very feminine haha*
#3.) Waking up and only eating Jamba Juice may taste good, but leads to a killer sugar spike that may lead to dizziness. It is not advised.
#4.) Refilling a prescription may be as easy as one, two, three, but I still manage to forget.
#5.) When even friends of your ex agree he can be a jerk, you know something was wrong.
#6.) Having a criminal for a friend is unexpectedly awkward.
#7.) Playing games for too long can hurt your eyes.

I think I want a new job, but I'm not really going to get something better with a school schedule...
And I'm 70% sure I am going to try for law school. But it's so damn pricey. UGH.
The weather is driving me batty because it is so bipolar.
I need to volunteer at LLRMH soon.
I love korean and japanese music <3 and i'm not the only one :D

OKay, here's to a weak and random update. :P but hey, it's an update. haha. and i don't feel like being philosophical at this moment. :P

BTW, i'm in love with tekken 6

Nothing I've ever known: a cautionary tale

Once upon a time, in a forest far far away, there lived a vicious she-wolf, with glittery red eyes and fangs the size of a human child's forearm. Everyone in the forest was afraid of her, and she knew it. The rabbits ran into their holes as fast as they could, the squirrels scampered up the trees, and even the other carnivores cowered when she came close. The bears laid close to the ground, the cougars bowed, and even the snakes knew when not to slither. It made no sense at all, one mere wolf, reigning over the land, roaming, conquering the spirits and courage of others. Size was no matter. It was that deadly, cold glint in the steel of her eyes which said "I'm not afraid to die" that froze everything in her path.
Not many creatures in the forest knew her past. Only a few, in fact... ones that could keep their mouths shut and their wisdom to themselves. No one questioned, but everyone wondered. Why did she become so vicious? How could anything create such a monster? How could a nameless female wolf have killed an entire pack of hyenas in just a few minutes? An entire herd of rampaging moose? A den of rattlesnakes? No one knew. But it was battles such as these that gave her a name. Rage.
Rage was happy. No one made her angry, no one stole her kills, and no one destroyed the scent markings she left along the path. She got too used to it, and became oblivious to the blinding loneliness that haunted her every footstep. In her independence, she no longer remembered the taste of friendship or the scent of comfort. The meaning in her life was for a simple existence, one in which she could have all control and no doubt.
One day, while hunting, Rage nearly stumbled over a wounded red deer. Instinct kicked in and she pounced, fangs flashing and claws outstretched. But for some unknown reason, the clear, fearless eyes of the stag stopped her from completing her attack. She landed a few inches away from the deer, and they stared at each other for moments, hours it seemed.
She spoke first. "Why do you not fear me? Have you no desire to live?" After a long pause, the deer answered, "Why should I fear you? I am wounded and cannot escape. There is no other choice but to accept my fate." He started to move, but only could budge with his front feet. A trap encircled his two hind legs. "Why did you not kill me?"
Rage opened her mouth to answer, but closed it again. After a few moments, she hesitantly replied, "I don't know." They stared at each other for another long moment, before she turned around and headed back into the forest without looking back. He blinked, and set his head down onto his forelegs, waiting for the inevitable death that will soon arrive.
Darkness settles. The stag is still lying there, with his eyes closed. There is rustling in the bushes, and he raises his head. A family of wolverines appear from the bushes, teeth gleaming and snapping, almost tasting the blood-scented air. They chatter excitedly, and begin to run towards the immobile deer. Just as they were about to pounce onto him, Rage leaps out from behind them, bites down on the leader and tears him apart. So fast her actions were a blur, she moved from one wolverine to the next, leaving only blood and entrails in her path. When finally all were in pieces, she raises her bloodied muzzle, enters the bushes again, and comes out with leaves in her mouth, which she delicately begins to place on the stag's leg.
Using her two front paws, she pries open the trap, nicking one of her legs in the process. Fresh blood flowed from his reopened wounds, and her nostrils flared. But she only continued putting on the leaves. After completing her task, she laid down next to the deer, who did not stop looking at her the entire time. "You came back." She did not respond and closed her eyes to sleep.
The next morning, before opening her eyes, she felt something moving on her head, and responding naturally, twisted her body to lie on top of the threat... it turned out to be the stag. "Your fur seemed matted. I was only trying to smooth out the tangles." With a snarl, she got to her feet, and bounded into the forest.
As the days went on, they continued to spend time together, and her icy exterior began to melt under the observant eye of the red deer. Her snarls became less common, her red eyes began to soften, and the tension that was held inside her body slowly seeped out. He, whose name she soon found out was Oak, saw her as more of a tender soul that had been bruised too often than a vicious killer, and she saw him as her first confidante. They understood each other, often without using words, and a budding romance developed between them.
They would lay under the twinkling stars, her furry head on his smooth shoulder, or his head on her hind legs, just in comfortable silence. It was almost too good to be true.
Then, one fateful day, when she was out hunting, a pack of wolves found Oak grazing in a clearing. The alpha male sniffed the air, and motioned to the others not to attack. "So... you're the one that has conquered Rage. I was expecting more... teeth." In a flash, he scratched Oak's hide so that blood dripped onto the ground, and just when Oak was about to attack with his antlers, the other wolves encircled him. "Don't worry," the alpha leader sneered, "this is only a little incentive for the missus." The stag set into motion, slamming his antlers into the nearest wolves, and kicking a few in the face with his hooves. But his dull attacks were no match for the sharp claws and teeth of the wolves, as they clawed and scratched just so he would lose enough blood that he would not die, just weaken. Once he could no longer find the strength to attack, the pack of wolves then lead the stag away.
Rage, after a filling meal, came back to find no Oak, only his blood, and the scent of a pack of wolves. In that split second, her eyes turned back to fiery blood, her snarls sent shivers down the backs of all the animals in the forest, and her claws hit the ground with a grinding sound. Following the trail, she entered into their domain, and saw that Oak was so weakened that he could barely breath. Without another thought, she lunged at any and all wolves nearby, ripping into their throats and digging into their organs with her teeth and claws. No sooner than did she squelch the life out of one that she aimed for the jugular of another, her body whipping around, her feet barely touching the ground, and her teeth causing sickening crunches. After dead bodies began to pile up, the leader sat down next to Oak. "You want him alive, don't you? Tone it down or else your beloved will be no more." Rage turned to charge towards the leader, but masses of wolves converged between them.
"...ge... don't listen... i'm already done for... leave me! Don't be stupid..." The hoarse voice of Rage's beloved only stirred her emotions, and in that one moment her eyes turned softer and her claws retracted a bit, the other wolves swarmed on her, taking her by surprise. Their claws drew deep furrows on her body, their teeth dug into her veins, and while her consciousness faded as they submerged her in her own blood, she only heard, "What happened to you, Rage? Where's the she-wolf I made to become a monster?"
After her body became limp, Oak lifted his head to weakly stare at the leader. "What did you just say?" "I molded her into the monster that everyone fears to prove my own self-worth... I even had to kill her entire family myself. Too bad she became weak." Using the last bit of strength, Oak twisted his head to swipe at the wolf with his antlers, but that put his neck right in front of the alpha's teeth. "And to think love was supposed to make you stronger... what a fairytale." With that, the wolf ripped open Oak's throat.

The End.

RTOTD's

Why is it so hard to get up in the morning, yet so hard to fall asleep at night?

Why am I addicted to LBP?

Why do i always lose my camera?

Why can't my hair dry perfectly smooth and straight?

Why do I hate working but always want more money?

Why do viruses attack nice old computers?

Why does RAM deplete after awhile? Does it die?

Why do flip flops hurt when you wear them too much?

Why is parking so hard to find at school near HOL?

Why do people go to gas stations at 2AM?

Why don't i have PPT on my computer?

Why am I always so tired lately?

Why does being a senior seem so scary?

Por que por que por que~~ hahaha

And is there a pittbull in pittsburg that is named pitt? I hope so.

Blake

What\'s in a name?
Is it as the sun.
Or a cooling Spring?

There should be a newline before this.

And then two.

The Rules

I feel the need to postpone my End of the Year series in order to speak of something that has been on my mind: The rules.

Last night I had a long conversation about the power, or lack thereof, of prayer, with my roommates girlfriend. I asked her in a (hopefully) un-intrusive and open way about what she thinks about prayer. She is catholic, and as such believes that prayer and God exists, but the extent of their affect is very limited. I wish I could have reassured her, but frankly I have no firsthand experiences that show that prayer has been exceedingly beneficial. My parents do, but stories like "I know people who have experienced this and that" are rarely very moving. So all I did was listen and agree.

Remember that my roommate was the one that used to be against drinking, at least to my knowledge, and now is very okay with the idea. Also remember that this had a large and painful affect on me.

I bring up this point because it was his girlfriend that got him into drinking in the first place, so I find it interesting that I am now friends with her. At one point I had hoped to maybe convince her to stop, but she is adamant and as strong in her beliefs as I am in mine, even if she feigns apathy. So I realized a while ago that I am powerless to change my friends, and so to avoid going through what I went through with my roommate, I had created a set of rules.

1) I cannot get very attached to these people. Attachment is foolish and can only lead to heartache. So I never care when they go out and get blitzed, they are free to kill themselves with little or no intervention on my part.

2) I can never try to change them. This always ends badly, is wholly useless and just ends up straining the friendship.

3) I have to accept what they do, and my lack of affect. There is nothing I can do, and that's the truth.

There are probably more rules that I may add. I need to remember to abide by these rules when I talking to my friends, for my sake and theirs.

Time Tells

I AM SO SLEEPYYY, so i’m writing to stay awake. I hope that it works. I could seriously take a nap on this desk. Anyways, i’ve been thinking lately.
After breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 months (a personal best haha) I thought that it would be the hardest thing to do. But you know? The only hard part was telling him, after that, he’s been such a butthead that I am sure i made the right decisi0n. And now that we aren’t together, I’ve heard all the stories of how he’s been rude to other people and offended some of the nicest people. And you know what? I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s so full of himself, or so he thinks, that he boasts. But really, i think its just insecurities showing. I mean, if you are okay with yourself you don’t have to tell others that you will beat them up, or that you could. Because, in reality, that boy cannot take anyone down. My lil bro can beat him up. But oh well, i guess he’s just way immature and trying to find himself.
But yes, what sucks is that he’s such a butthead. He goes from trying to be super nice, saying, can we talk about this in person pls? To YOU dont think YOU can!? You’re the one that broke up with me. how do you think i feel?! then back to. fine, i’ll give you your space. He’s such a horrible rager! :O I should’ve known after that one time at the mall when he was yelling at this guy who didn’t stop for us when we were crossing the street. and despite me trying to get him to stop, he yelled like a dumbass after a car. It was so stupid.
What’s more, he was rude to my step dad!! Who buys him food and who is so nice to him. But no, he doesn’t know that, he assumes it’s all my mom. What a stupid head. And asking about my mom’s medication because she isn’t getting better. What a retard for doing that!!! He doesn’t know anything about my mom. He doesn’t know her immunities are low and she takes a while to get better. or that she was going back to the doctor in a few days. He’s so insensitive. I do realize he does it out of concern. But i really wonder. Who is the concern for? Because it doesn’t show as compassionate.
But after ranting and accidentally sending my friend on him, (she says she is going to punch him…haha for messing with her dudesies *my fam*) i feel guilty for feeling such things. I mean, we were together. and there must’ve been something i saw in him. But truthfully, i can’t see it anymore. I don’t want to think he’s so horrible, because i dont think he meant to do anything bad. But then again i wonder, am i just rationalizing for him again? But no, i should try to be kind. :I I WILL TRY.
But i get so caught up with my frustration and disgust. Alicia hit it right on the head about what his problem was, “it was early stages of kevin-ism” Which is so true. He would not ever move or change his plans to see me. He wouldn’t text me back or talk with me for the majority of the week. He would only call sometimes and always cut it short because he was sleepy. And i believe he lied to me a lot, i dont want to believe it, but so many times he couldn’t back up his stories or defend them. And he’d always try and say the ‘right thing’ and i feel like a dumbass for believing him for so long. He isn’t going to change. He didn’t think he was doing anything wrong or that our relationship wasn’t bad. When clearly, i wasn’t happy. He’d say, “i don’t want you to be sad. When you are happy i’m happy. So i’ll try, i really will.” And you know? I think he meant it, for like a few hours. then it’d be back to the same GD routine. And i was just tired of it. I was a girlfriend of convenience. And that’s not enough for me. And to add to it, as i started to resent him, all i could see were his faults. And that just wasn’t fair to either of us.
Yet, once again. When i look back on our time together i am not happy. I feel like i made a bad decision with a guy AGAIN. and it sucks. Why can’t i ever not regret it? Sighh…. Maybe time will make it so i don’t regret it. BUT WHO KNOWS! i still regret the last one. Though, oddly, not as much. After this break up, i really admire R for being so kind about it and not being mean to me. so i guess, maybe with time i wont regret it. I did get some sushi out of it.
But, for now, i am soo taking a long break from all that relationship poo~~ A LONG BREAK! But yea, alicia, it’s still A&A domination FTW~~~ :D

End of a Year Part 1

My birthday has recently passed. I had a wonderful party from fantastic friends, and they got me a nice camera that is more expensive than I'm worth! So I am eternally grateful and need to give them all a large, rib-crushing hug. I am in a good mood, and life is going well. 
 
A year ago, this was not the case. 
 
On my last birthday, my friends got me a drawing tablet last year. Also a very nice gift. But I was very insecure as to whether my friends wanted to actually go to my birthday dinner, or whether they just felt obligated to. I got a vibe that they didn't want to go, that I was dragging them. And a few friends couldn't make it, so that killed my morale. So what did I do? I pretended to be sick, to let them off the hook. A few still ended up going just for dinner, but not for my sake. I felt I had relieved them. 
 
This was slightly mirrored in this years birthday dinner. I had been excited for this dinner for a while now, because I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with my friends, and I like when we're all hanging out together. So naturally I was talking about it a lot, referring it to "my birthday dinner." Apparently this came off as selfish, because my roommate had been acting a bit angry a day before the dinner. I wondered why. Being friends with his girlfriend, I asked her what was up. 
 
Well, I had been talking about the dinner so much that to my roommate, it seemed like going was now a chore. I was being self-centered, self-absorbed, putting so much worth on myself that my friend, who I consider to be a good friend, no longer wanted to go hang out with us that night. His girlfriend was telling me this over AIM, at work. I had to hold back tears because my boss and coworker were there. 
 
Feelings of last year flushed back to me. Insecurity. Sadness. I wanted to call the whole thing off, and I certainly didn't want my roommate to go. But, his girlfriend assured me that it was probably just him being a bit off this week. Nonetheless, I went and bought a mop and some cleaner, and I went back to the apartment to thoroughly clean the place because I knew he'd like that. Maybe he wouldn't hate going out if I proved myself to be a good friend. 
 
There's so much to write that it is difficult to organize this post, so I think I'm going to have to split this up into parts.

When Did This Happen?

The question everyone will ask, and the question I perpetually ask of myself. But is there really an answer? When did saying “happy valentine’s day” or “i love you” turn into such dead words that illicit no emotion? Obligatory responses without meaning. That seems to be what 0ur relationship turned into. Maybe that’s the way I see it, maybe he sees it differently. No matter what though, if this sentiment resides anywhere, then it’s enough to call it quits.

When we started you said, “I’m willing to give this a try” I think that was a perfect way of putting it. We gave it a try. It wasn’t meant for forever. We are too different. You can’t foresee the future, and maybe sometimes it may seem like everything is going well. But it’s not.

When did I stop wanting to be with you? When did I stop wanting to try? When did I stop looking at you and thinking wow? (did i ever?)

When did you stop trying? When did I become less? When did you think this would end?
Why didn’t we both see it? Why did we try for so long? Why didn’t someone say no?

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hear you cry. I don’t want any of that. But I don’t want you.

Relationships are like a rose, if you don’t cultivate it, then you will prick yourself on what used to be.

I really don’t want to say those words. The same ones I was unable to voice before. But, because I respect you and care for you, I will force myself to say them. I’ve said them enough times to myself.

You may say, but we can work on it. But I don’t want to. You may say, I’m overreacting. But I don’t think I am. You may say, I’m a bitch for not telling giving you another chance. And I won’t say anything. It’s not that I ran out of patience, I stopped wanting to.

Dealing with the remains, that’s what I will be doing weeks from now. Questions, accusations, and rumors. The dirty side of love. The death of love, just so rebirth can take place. We will find love again, and again.

Stupid Boxers

Well my roommate and his girlfriend have been staying over here a while now, which I'm all for cause they're fun to have around. This morning however there was a bit of an incident that may well turn out to be nothing. See, being  a guy, I wear boxers. But being a cheap guy, I wear the boxers with hole in the middle. Think they put that there to prevent it from tearing under stress, I don't know though. Anyways, I had an 8 oclock class so I got up earlier than them, I rose out of bed, went to go find my pants, and then stood up:

Only to reveal that my penis was exposed out of that stupid boxer-hole.

And my while my roommate was facing the other direction (and asleep), she was facing my direction. I'm 90% sure she was asleep though because her eyes were closed when I looked at her, so I really doubt she noticed. But my roommates alarm did go off a few minutes before the boxer malfunction, so what if she woke up and was trying to get back to sleep, then hearing that I was doing something, decided to see what I was up to and then BAM, PENIS, and then quickly closed her eyes to pretend shes asleep to avoid an awkward situation?!? It's possible!

I'm going to be more careful in the future. Or sew my boxers shut.

Lucy: Some hot chick who your friends like better than you.

This hot chick digs urbandictionary for its flattering definition. Despite the 10 other definitions that defined Lucy as a "loose slut," "a bitch who doesn't love her bf," and.... *drumroll* even a "mangina". Apparently people make up words for things they encounter everyday, even though there's clearly a specific term: like... "whore," "ungrateful bitch," and.... "mangina"! People are... well... interesting.
So I'm listening to Britney Spears (yeah yeah, sue me) and what made me think a little were her lyrics "...i can't make you love me... i'm just a girl with a crush on you" for one of her first albums (when she wasn't crazy). It's true that you can't make someone love you, but, you can kidnap them and keep them in your basement. And if you torture them (making them beg) long enough, they will be brainwashed into thinking that they love you.
Therefore, her lyrics are incorrect- as long as you have the tenacity, sneakiness, cold-heartedness/obsessiveness, connections with the law, and a relatively large amount of money (to keep a man/woman well-fed in your basement for a while), you can pretty do anything you want. To your captive. or just whatever you want.
Anyway, a few days ago I dreamt that in a land of human-robots, flea markets, and wide open streets, Conor Knighton told me he loved me in this long, drawn-out, amazing speech, and then proposed to me. After I said yes, he grinned his cute boyish grin, walked over to me, and we hugged. And hugged. and hugged. We sort of did the hug/turn thing, and we were giggling and talking and it was beautiful. Then i woke up, and could still feel his arms around me, those comforting, tightly-holding-me arms... It was as if he really did....unless someone really did enter my room at night and hugged me while i was asleep.... (wow that's a really creepy image, i'm going to try to never think about that again...)
But that got me thinking. Why am i so full of contradictions? I don't believe in true love or soul mates and yet after a dream about a man (a funny, adorable, charming, cute one) proposing to me in the most romantic setting after expressing his feelings for me, I felt so happy and elated. Why is that? I don't believe in what people call "love" or marriage or the fact that anyone can resist temptation in a monogamous relationship, but I truly do want a charming man that expresses his feelings to me in such a poetic, and graceful, and amazing manner. And in the process i begin to self-resent, because i begin to doubt myself and question what my true feelings are. i can attest the dream and these silly feelings to what every girl wants, but that would be ruining my argument. i'm not "every girl". i hate cheesy romances, chick flicks, petty games, and gossip. i love racecars, wolves, guns, death, money, and i hope that one day i will become an emotionless vampire assassin. i highly doubt many other girls desire that.
i don't trust myself or another person enough to get married or be faithful, respectively, and i sure as hell don't want to have kids. but then i think back on all the best dreams i've ever had and they all involve some sort of romantic gesture one way or the other. (actually there's probably a couple exceptions, where i was flying or disgustingly rich) so is it because i'm a girl that my emotional side is already programmed to want to be part of something that my rational brain deems as stupid and inefficient and impossible? or is it because i've been burnt in the past while on this road that i am consciously trying to avoid putting my hand in the fire?
sometimes i just wish everything was much simpler. either in the days of yore or in the future, where everything was too simple or too organized to be a hassle to anyone.
so while i'm shaking my fist at PDA, i will weep quietly to the image of titanic sinking into the water, as jack professes to never let go, as the old rose throws the diamond into the sea.

it's just too beautiful a story.

and blue cat people just can't beat good ol' forbidden romance that ends with tragedy due to the selfishness, ignorance, and stupidity of human beings.

Me vs. Influences

I spent most of last night trying to get my heart beat to go down. This was caused by the energy drink and caffeinated soda I had consumed that day, and boy did I regret it. Running on 3 hours of sleep is not fun. Caffeine crashes are horribly unfun, as my despair is very exaggerated - I felt far worse than I should have about not being able to watch a damn TV show with a friend. Granted there's a bit more to it than that, but the point is made: caffeine is bad! I even had a nightmare last night, something I haven't had in a while.

But I continue to have it, because it can really make a day better. Slow day at work? Grab a mountain dew and hit up collegehumor. Studytime? Pot of coffee! Just make sure you can withstand the crashes, and you're golden. But with as much caffeine as I have, I basically feel constantly bad: unsure of myself, nervous, thinking far ahead in the future in worst possible scenarios. I think considering I have these feelings naturally, amplifying them with chemicals is a horrible idea.

I think for now I'll go cold turkey on caffeine. But eventually, when I can control myself, I'll have soda on occasion and maybe coffee. Not every day though.

This is a minor digression, but I've been thinking a lot about how I handle conflicts lately. Usually when a friend does something I don't like, I complain to another friend (or more), then wait a while until those feelings go away. Maybe this isn't healthy, I don't know, but its better than being obnoxious and vocalizing my feelings every time. Right?

Well anyways, until next time.

--Honk !m

Start 'er Up

While this is mostly a test to see if I can post to two blogs at once, it is also a symbol of the change I am going through, and I feel the need to revamp myself and this blog! So from now on (probably), my blog posts will both appear at redblacktree.tumblr.com and lucifersbrothel.blogger.com . That way people can look at the tumblr site to see just my posts. The tumblr one might have a bit more to it as well, so you may wish to check that.

But yes. "New beginnings," so to speak, and as cliche as that expression is. I feel like I've been in the process of a great change in my life, and things are just now coming into fruition. I have a nice job, fantastic friends, grades could be better but I have manage to lose a lot of weight. I am still not as emotionally stable as I'd like, but I am certainly getting better. For now, I have to focus on two things: finally finishing losing this weight (got about 15 pounds to go) and becoming a fantastic programmer, as that is what I want to do with the rest of my life. But both of these things require that I work hard and conquer laziness. Kinda funny how it all leads to that.

How do I work on that? At one point I felt like I was making progress because I would think about how much better my life would be if I just wasn't lazy and did the things I needed to do; school, work, gym, exercise. That worked but, like many of the conclusions I come to, they dwindle. How do I make it stick? Do I tie a string around my finger to remind myself, or do I get a contact lens with the words "Your life will be a million times better if you do what needs to be done, now!" on it so I am constantly staring at it? All great ideas, really. Maybe I'll change the background of my phone to something along those lines.

I will succeed.

i wish i was a robot

Everything would be so much easier. Not in the metallic-body-automated-voice type, but one that evolved to satisfy the cravings of evolution. Knowledge chips: check. Emotionless logic: check. Relative immortality: check. Machine gun that pops out of my hand: check. (Of course, after it appears and kills all the people i want it to kill, it would disappear back into my arm). With all that, who would want to be human? Why go to college, try to learn, and be humiliated by geniuses and that TA when she gives you the grade thinking she's better than you, when you could just pop in a chip that downloads everything you need to know directly into your mind? Why bother feeling sad, moody, or regret when you encounter a situation as a direct consequence of your previous actions, when you clearly know it was the most logical, most correct decision? And, why wouldn't you want to live to forever, when you've got knowledge, strength, power, and the appearance of normality, uninhibited by feelings?
Movies lament and pity the ones who have unlimited power and life, by saying there is no point to that when there is nothing to lose. Nothing to lose? They are gods. Humanity doesn't appreciate immortality because we are mortal; we aren't impressed by emotionlessness because we, as emotional beings, want to be that as well. By being in self-denial, we represent the most fatal error of being, well, humans. We lose sight of logic in the presence of feelings, of jealousy, of envy, of... sympathy. Everything has inertia, and human minds have the greatest inertia of all. Stubbornness, hatefulness... all because others have something we don't, something that might make them a better version of us.
It is disgusting, the general public. The mass of people who merely stand on one side of an argument, only listening to one perspective and deaf to the others. The ones who, at times of need, follow mindlessly, like a bunch of starving hyenas after an old antelope. But the hyenas don't realize why they are so desperate for this antelope, when there are others, younger, meatier, more delicious ones. It's because it's right in front of their faces, and that hunger blinds them to everything else around them. And after they finish devouring the easy prey, and merely whet their appetite, since there is little meat, they find that they must starve for a lot more time. For, during this short chase to catch this sick, dying elderly meal, they scare away all the good, potentially filling, healthy antelope. But they repeat this process again and again, always picking the easy yet distasteful appetizer, because they fail to analyze (or perhaps they have no ability to?). Humans are animals, like the hyenas on the prarie. The process that our errors take is on a different, much bigger scale, but the end result is the same. Death comes to hyenas because of starvation of food; death comes to humans because of starvation of thought. No matter how much certain individuals believe that humans are more intelligent, that we are higher up in the food chain, we are still creatures of instinct. The instinct of a hierarchy. Following due to need, not of abilities, is our instinct. We can't possibly think for ourselves, when a man suddenly appears in front of us and promises us everything we don't have. We don't wonder if that is even possible. We don't learn the concepts, so we become idiots, puppets on a string of a smarter group of people. We don't truly listen, because we have our own set of goddamn beliefs and prejudices. People talk of conspiracy and how it takes away the rights of the people. I say, fuck the people if the people have no brains. Fuck them if they really think one man can create heaven on earth, a land where everyone is happy. Read my words. If you really thought he could make it all better, then you deserve to be disillusioned of this stupid idea. Feelings, feelings. Just because he's black doesn't mean we've gotten over racism. Just because we elected a black president doesn't mean the US is suddenly the best country on the planet or in the galaxy. It means jack shit. Our country isn't run by one person (so all of you wishing Bush would die, fuck you too! the whole country, the Senate, the generals, all wanted the war. we're not an autocracy, so it's all about: EVERYONE. chew on that); it's run by democracy. And democracy is "rights, rights, rights" so don't expect much to come out of the checks and balances, because that's what it's goddamn called. By balancing, you can't exactly move at the speed of light. Apparently this turned into a political rant, which it wasn't supposed to be, so I will get back to my previous topic.
I am disillusioned by humanity. By shunning and ignoring everything that could be potentially better than us because then we'd feel jealous and not as powerful, we are creating a ridiculous society. Movies that always end with the good guy winning and the bad guy either losing or dying is basically feeding the message to the (already dumb) society that there's no possible way that anything bad could happen to us, the good guys. It makes the fall all the more higher and painful when one by one (slowly, of course) everyone realizes that it doesn't fucking happen that way.
By being emotionless, there would be no prejudices, no anger, no insults that penetrate the armor. Along that thought, we would also lose happiness. But if happiness is a function of our behavior by guiding us along the right way, wouldn't logic be a shortcut? If we're happy when we see a cute puppy because of a nurturing instinct, by being logical we would just take care of it anyway, since happiness was to induce us to take care of it. When we see a loved one, we're happy because, well, they're alive and because that social connection allows us to feel that we belong. But there's that word "feeling" again. What if we just got rid of it? Happiness is a small price for right decisions all the time, using cold, hard logic rather than emotional impulsivity.
Jealousy, of course, as a major player in society's vices, should be the first to go.

You Know What I Mean...

We all have them, men and women alike. And for both sexes, it´s a source of anxiety. Though, admittedly, it’s more a female issue. It’s bigger the better right? But why?

Is it because they feel better? There’s more to play with? Or are they just more mesmerizing? I must admit, when I see a girl with GINORMOUS boobs, i look. More so in awe and jealousy than anything else. Are the bigger boobs almost magical in that sense? I’m not sure. I hear horror stories about how they get in the way, draw the wrong kind of attention and more. So maybe there is a point at which it’s not so much adored as it is shocking.

I don’t think women who buy boobs that are as big as they can get look good. For one, they look like they stuffed basketballs underneath their skin. It’s stretched, taunt, and so chiseled that they don’t seem to move. (though, i don’t know that for sure. I am not one to fondle another person.) But they are all over the magazines and covers. It’s like, we are told. Baby, you better have giant knockers for me to play with otherwise, i shall tire of you.

But then there are guys who say, i don’t mind the size. The smaller ones are okay too. But you don’t really feel they are. Because you can look in the mirror after putting on a jacket and say, hey, where’d you guys go?! And if they’re small, that means you have to worry that much more about your stomach. Because the HORROR to be a girl with a tummy that is bigger than her boobs. That would be the worst fate imaginable. I pray i will never get that bad, but so far, i’m okay. But still, you see yourself disappearing at times, especially in the wrong clothes.

Maybe it’s the entire story about the grass being greener on the other side. But I want to see what it’d be like to have bigger boobs. I mean, would it feel fun? Would i want to run out and buy new shirts or walk around happier with myself? I’m not sure a part of me screams no because i wouldn’t like people staring. But then, why do i want them? Well, just to have them! I’d feel more sexy at times, not for other people but for myself. Maybe more feminine, i’m not sure. That’s my story sometimes. But then other times i’m happy with what i have.

I think, hey, well, at least they don’t get in the way. They aren’t heavy at all (i forget they are there ) I think, hey they fit my hands okay, so they won’t be like a prepubescent boy’s chest. Right? I can wear bras, so I know i’m not that lacking. At least i have them. And if my shirts are tighter, they don’t drown in the clothing so much. So maybe, we just have to be happy with what we have, or save up a lot of money and endure forced change. (i don’t want the second one)

But this leads me to another complaint, or rather thing i wish i could change. Body frames! GD body frames! The one constant you can NEVER hope to change. It’s like karma’s way of saying, Haha BITCH! Diet all you want, this right here, you see it? That’s BONE! To which you can only reply with a sad sob or nod. I wish I didn’t have what my brother calls “lineback shoulders.” I can never forget his, “If i make a football team, i want you to be the linebacker. Your shoulders are bigger than guys’!” That whore. LOL. But seriously! Or the you are too tall, too stocky, too lanky, too bony. Those complaints should never be voiced. They can’t be changed! It’s like telling a cat it’s ugly because it has fur!! It’s just not fair.

But you never see big boned girls on magazines, or being the main characters in books, or even in movies. It’s always the tiny little girls. And not everyone can be like that! Some of us have giant thighs, or hands, or feet. It’s not like we went and said, can i have more of this? BEcause i’m sure no one would do that. But really, i feel like the ones that are different are equated with less. And also, the idea of not having any hair anywhere besides our head! It’s like, must i really shave my arms and legs every other day? Can’t i just be furry? But no, then people say things like yeti or you look like a man. (Once again, courtesy of brother circa middle school)

So many rules and regulations! It’s like jumping through hoops that sometimes aren’t even on the ground, they’re on fire and ten feet in the air. So I guess i had no real point or conclusion i was heading to. Which sometimes happens when i blog. But i feel like i wish i looked different. Everytime i look at a music video, i think, she looks so much better. Look at her arms, her stomach, her boobs. She’s like perfection dancing on stage. And me? Well, i get attention from people online who see a picture of my face and think i’m ‘beatiful’ or ’sexi.’ it’s not the same thing! But maybe this is all because i follow what our culture and media is telling me is beautiful.

I know there are many couples, and people who think they are with the most beautiful person. That are forever in love with someone they view as perfect, but to others look like they aren’t even a 7. I think that their view of beauty is cultured and developed through love. And that idea of beauty i think is more attainable and powerful. YET, so invisible and not always lasting. It’s not like you can say. Well, i dont look like her, but someone somewhere will think i’m even more beautiful one day. It’s an awesome idea. But really, that doesn’t help in the NOW! Plus, what if he died or is way too old or young? Then what?

I constantly struggle with feeling pretty enough or smart enough or good enough. I think of these awesome ways to attain this, but i struggle with always seeing them as the solution. But that doesn’t mean i don’t want bigger boobs, a smaller stomach, prettier skin, and skinnier thighs. Because, damnit, i want that stuff!! >.<>

Unresolved, still

It is currently 4:30 AM. I am staying up late with my roommate and his girlfriend, and we are about to sleep. Today was a good day, we all hung out at target, along with a Korean friend and my good friend, my neighbor. Then everyone except my neighbor went to Korean barbecue, where we consumed large amounts of meat. Twas good.

The pleasant experiences of the day were occasionally interfered with the Korean friend requesting beer. He is underage. I don't care much, but every time he spoke about it, it brought up some tension in me, some small sickening feeling in me. It reminds me that I can't let my guard down to my friends, because they will often disappoint if you do. I cannot expect any one of them to change, that is foolish. And drinking beer isn't a massive deal anyways, pretty small in the grand scheme of things. Nonetheless, the small sickening feeling remains.

But, today was indeed still fun. We went back, sang songs while I played my guitar, watched and played video games. However, I never met up with my neighbor, which was disappointing because I wanted to make a cake and maybe watch some TV shows. She is an extremely good friend. But alas, she is a busy lady with many friends of her own, so I should not be clingy.

This is unfortunately complicated because me and her are what we call "sober buddies." That is, we don't drink, at least we believe we should not. In practice however this is pretty difficult - we are in college and there are many temptations, especially for her since she is a very outgoing, sociable person. So it doesn't always work out the way it should, and I always get quite worried whenever it is a Friday/Saturday night and she's not online or won't respond. Clingy, but bad things have happened in the past. Still clingy.

Well it being a Saturday night there are their usual loud parties, in fact right now I hear a fire alarm that has been pulled. I heard loud people outside my door, so for funsies I went to go out there and yell "HEY!" loudly. But there were no people in the hall - it was coming from my neighbors apartment. A party right across from me, how very exciting! And of course I hear the shrill voice of my neighbor laughing and talking. So at that point I definitely assume she is quite drunk, or on the road to being so, then walk away with a considerably more powerful sickened feeling in the pit of my stomach. Also everything got colder. She was neither online nor responsive to my text of "Sober buddies!"

Best case scenario - she wasn't drunk at all, I'm worrying too much, she just was having fun with her roommates and some people they invited over. If this is the case, then I need to learn to let people be! They are capable of making good decisions, she is a smart and strong girl and she knows whats right and whats wrong. I am an overly clingy person who over thinks things that will work out for the best! Maybe it wasn't even her voice I heard, and she had just decided to go to sleep early. She didn't answer my text or im's because she had just forgot and was pretty tired.

Worst case scenario - she got stark raving drunk. Her roommates decided to have a party and, despite her best efforts, she was unable to refuse social time and was coerced into drinking. While people are capable of making good decisions, they often make bad ones that go against their own beliefs. She did not answer my im's or texts because she really didn't care what I have to say about anything in her life, I talk to her too much and she needs a break from my judgmental, emotional, self-serving whining (which this blog post certainly is). She wanted to have fun at a party and that's all that matters. It's been a while anyways. By now she has thrown up very many times, and has passed out on her bed.

So here I lay, wondering what happened. I am often so afraid that I did something to hurt our friendship, that we are anything less than best/2nd best friends. Is there anything I could have said? Anything she misconstrued, anything I did that put her off? I force these thoughts upon myself, usually in silence, but often resorting to gauging the friendship one way or another, which may itself hurt the friendship.

But why do I care so much whether she drinks or not? Every single one of my other friends drink anyways, what is one more? It is just me standing alone here, in my self-dug hole. I fight the good fight. Myself. It's difficult and lonely but I press on. Who is she to bring such distraught feelings to me? Or my roommate? Or his girlfriend?

Oh yeah, I know why. Because being alone sucks. Because we are sober buddies, best friends, I am emotionally attached probably more so than is healthy. Because I value her friendship to the point where I feel like I don't even deserve it. Because when every single one of your friends change their beliefs when the weight of college crushes them, it's nice (incredibly reassuring) to know that there's at least one other person who I can talk to about these things, because we're in the same boat as far as beliefs go. Because maybe I am not alone, and so maybe there's a glimmer of hope that I can get people to join this boat as well.

So here I lay, dealing with the same problem I've been dealing with for the last year and a half now, each time coming to a new "conclusion," only to wait until the next incident occurs. Although I should mention that, this actually is not as bad as I have felt about this before. When my roommate began drinking after living a life of hating the concept, I was far sickened and depressed, and I do not use that word lightly. But I pressed on from that horrible era, and I came to conclusions. I let him go. I detached myself.

It is now 5:16. I feel better now that I have written my feelings; this blog is indeed theraputic. I should write in it more often.

--

Also I have feelings for a girl I can probably never have. More on that later.

¿Puedes entenderlo?

Mucho ha pasado hoy. Después de estar poco deprimida, aunque no podría describirlo antes de que mi madre me dijó la verdad. Y ahora, estoy más calma. Tengo una perspectiva muy diferente. Antes, estaba pensado mucho en mi relación con Joe, y como ha convertido en una relación muy diferente sin feliz y emoción. Pero, ahora entiendo que eso occurió porque tengo miedo. No quiero ni saber el tipo de relación que quiero. Es un lugar dónde necesito crecer. Sé que quiero más, algo diferente, pero no sé como, ni si puedo sin cambiarme. Pero, es un viaje que tengo que tomar. Es algo cada persona endura en su propia vida.

Y, si sea la verdad de que no estamos bueno junto como novios, no es malo. Es algo que ocurre. Y nadie tiene la culpa. Pero cosas cambia y por eso quiero tratar una más vez con él. Porque me gusta él. Aunque no sé el extento de esa emoción. Sin embargo, el extento puede crecer o morir en tiempo. No sé, nadie sabe. Y puedo tener relaciónes con otros chicos como amigos. Y si sienta algo, puedo tratar algo diferente. Pero, ahora me gustaría disfrutar la atención de los hombres, y de mi novio, cuando lo tengo. Nada existe por siempre.

También entiendo que cuando hizo algo, siempre estoy pensando en como me parece a otros. No quiero ser un decepción. Y ¿por qué? Porque, cuando era niña nunca siento que estoy bastante. Siempre pienso que tengo que hacer más y más para tener el amor. Es algo que, si mi amiga me diga yo diré que es incorecto. No tengo que ser lo mejor para ser amada. Sin embargo yo sé que cada de mis aciónes y decisiónes resulta de esta sentimiento. Y quiero cambiarlo. No es bueno por yo ni otros. Siempre estoy pensando en mis errores y los errores de otros, aunque les trato mejor que yo con respeto al extento que analizo.

Quiero tener una vida diferente. Quiero tener un novio que me parece guapo. Que puede comunicar conmigo sobre todo. Que tiene sus propios ideas. Que es, sobre todo, simpático y genio. Alguien que puedo ser enamorada. No sé si Joe es alguien que tiene estas cosas, ni si sería bastante en el futuro. Pero, quiero tratar de encontrar la contesta. Sé que nosotros no somos destinado a ser juntos por siempre. Solomente es la empieza de mis experiencias. Pero estoy alegre de que él es mi primer novio sincero. Con él puede ser yo, aunque la mayoría del tiempo no lo permito. Mi descripción de un novio falta mucho a causa de que no sé que es una relación por yo. Pero después de tiempo, esta descripción va a ser más y más larga y definada. Y, cuando tengo ochenta años, sería la descripción de mi unico amor. Pues, es muy lejos, y tengo que hacer mucho para llegar allí. Sin embargo, no puedo olvidar que, el fin no es bastante importante como el viaje.

Todas mis ideas son complicadas y no tengo bastante vocabulario en español pero, estoy tratando de mejorar mi español. Y me gusta hacer algo diferente. Por eso, ya ha escrito este. No sé si todos van a entenderme…

Y, porque no quiero que te confudas con la palabra ´decepción´ no es ¨deception¨ es ¨disappointed¨

Yo sé que es algo raro. No sabía la palabra y lo he encontrado por internet. Y por eso, tiene que ser corecto. :P hehe

I did it did it did it (true story)

To all of you who dared me to talk to sexy trainer, well, time to hand over the money!!!! hehe yes, you all know where i'm going with this.
Anyway, I wasn't expecting to see him at the gym at all, since he works in the mornings. And today, my parents wanted to go to LA in the early day time. So I was going through the day, all depressed because yesterday was the last day I (would have) saw/seen him, and was expecting to go to the gym at 6ish, after dinner. But then the electricity went out, and NOTHING worked. Unless I planned to blind myself by reading in the fading light of the already cloudy day, it was probably a bad choice to do just that. So, my mom recommended the gym. And since i was gonna go later in the day anyway, i sighed and went.
I get there, and as usual there's old people. and 20% people under the age of 30. But whatever, it's fine, since i'm there to exercise and get into shape. Then 30 min into the workout, BAM. He walks in.
Nope, not the trainer. But, someone who is clearly taller, nice-face-r, and has more of the tall, dark and handsome going for him. God, I could not stop staring at him. He was, i dunno, latino mixed with some european?!?!? But he was hot. And his muscles were almost as nice as the trainer's. But not nearly as prominent enough. Anyway, as I was drooling over Mr.Sexy#2, my eyes of their own accord, decides to switch to the entryway. Aaaaand who was standing there, carrying his white sports bag, casually lounging talking to a manager, his body so perfect and delicious....but my beautiful trainer. i almost started praying to the god that doesn't exist.
So during this entire time, i'm trying really hard to fight back the HUGE and i mean HUGE grin that's threatening to swallow my face. and failing. i keep giggling into my towel, and peeking at him. i hope the elliptical people thought i was giggling at whatever i was listening to on the iPod, and not because i was blessed by lady luck, and a case of the crazies (i'm permanently affected, btw)...
So i'm still on the elliptical, wondering where the hell my luck came from, and still pedaling (albeit a bit slowly, since all the blood was going to my brain), when my eyes switch to focus on a middle point between the new guy on the weight pully thing and the trainer in the entryway, talking to an old man. Gah. My head almost exploded with all the hotdamnsexy testosterone that was floating all over the place, and into my nostrils.
Then, the lights went out. well, not on purpose of course (though i wish at that moment, trainerman was standing next to me. then i would've shown him what pleasure truly issssss: a lick of his perfect biceps.-i never said it was for his pleasure). the steady pouring of rain has ruined more than my house's connection with the electric, light-filled world. anyway, there was no outcry, and the people on the ellipticals just chuckled and kept on going. then in 4 seconds, the lights came back on and our eyes met for a brief second. he was so gorgeous, standing there in his manly yet relaxed posture, looking amused. *sigh*
so then, he sits in the little office/cave/group desks thing, and takes out a magazine to read. at this point, i'm thinking i need to talk to him today. but wait, i can't! it's too embarassing. and then i thought of the perfect plan. i will write him a little note to express my emotions and give me closure. and upon thinking up that scheme, i proceeded to feel a billion butterflies in my stomach threatening to fly out. ah, the nervousness! then i hoped that he would start walking around and not sit in that office thingy, so that a bunch of other employees would not witness my embarassment.
i went into the locker room and then showered, all the while thinking of what i was going to write. and then i got it! after putting on clothes (lolz) i sat down and my hand flew like the thoughts in my brain. The final masterpiece:
"To Workout God,
Thank you for being eyecandy in the past couple of workouts. I'm going back to college, so in case I never have a chance later to say this, you have the sexiest smile I have ever seen =)
-L"
After folding it threeways (after checking it for grammatical errors fiftymillion times) I put it in a little yellow money envelope thing (it looks classier inside an envelope than just a white piece of paper, and that was the only envelope inside my bag). Then, grabbing all my shit, I left the locker room and searched for him. He was with a trainee in the weight room. Just for a few seconds, i turned towards the door, hoping i'd come to my senses and run away, as fast as i could. But then i said (in my mind, not out loud, thank god) "Fuck it, i'm not gonna see him for a longg ass time. or any of these gym rats. FUCK IT" and then walked inside. since he was training someone, his back was turned towards me, and i don't think he saw me walk up to him. So i gently placed my hand on his right bicep (which was fucking sexy, all hard and smooth and gorgeous and HARD, gah) and said "excuse me?" He sorta turned, and i continued "this is for you" and gave him the envelope. After a brief like, 1 mili-second pause, he said "thank you." and took it. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEe. his trainee was staring at me. and probably the rest of the fucking gym. but i gracefully and quickly left.
And after sitting in my car, i screamed 30393848 times and laughed twice that much.
It was the most exhilirating thing ever.
He definitely, probably read it. I wonder what the look on his face was.
If only i could have seen that sexy grin!!!!

But thank you god, buddha, allah, lady luck, or whoever made this day the best day ever!!!!
<3 <3 <3

Training for Love

Everyday you see him there, working out. Those muscles twitching and jumping underneath that dark skin. You imagine feeling them, your hand gently gripping his arm, feeling the tension come and go as he lifts those weights. When you feel them jump you glance up at his face as he uses his momentum to raise the weights above his head..

crash

Looking down you realized you dropped your water bottle. Immediately you bend down and pick it up, hoping you didn’t make a mess. Although it’s water, you feel the need to clean it up, but just as you manage to put the bottle cap back on, you see two sneakers appear in front of you. Looking up, you see him. Or rather, you see those muscles, that body, that face, those eyes, and then him overall. The workout god.

“Are you okay?” he asks, grabbing a towel from behind one of the nearby countertops, the one where you can sign up for this or that promotion.

“Ah- Yes, I guess I just zoned out for a second. haha.” You say it teasingly, as if this type of thing happens every once in the while and is nothing to worry about. But inside your stomach does contortionist twists as your embarrassment rises. You watch as he dabs the ground with the towel, cleaning up the small mess. You debate helping him, but the mess is pretty much taken care of, and you can’t help but think. ‘What would he think if I told him I dropped my bottle because i was fantasizing about his arms?’ The mere thought makes your stomach do two more somersaults.

“Well, I have to get going.” He stands up, folding the towel up. ” My name’s Daniel if you didn’t know,” He smiles, another somersault.

“My name’s Lucy. Thanks for helping me out.” You chuckle with excitement and anxiety. This moment shall go down in history as the day the workout god spoke. You try and give him your best smile, holding the bottle in your hands.

“That’s a nice name, and I’m glad to see more people be more invested in their health. I see you come here almost everyday. Must have a boyfriend or someone you are trying to impress huh?” At this point your stomach is done doing somersaults and is downright spewing butterflies. Number one, he realized you existed! And number two, he wants to know if I have a romantic interest!! Even if its merely conversational, this day is not just going down in history, it shall forever be etched into your brain.

“Oh, no. No boyfriend or anything. Just trying to get in shape.”

“Well, that’s always a good idea. If you need any help, don’t hesitate to ask me.” You watch as he places the towel behind the desk and walk away. He really is a God. Sighing, you put your bottle on the ground and jump onto the treadmill.

—

Afterwards you headed into town to meet some friends for a light lunch and, as always, walk around Farnes and Boble. The day speeds by, and sooner than you know it’s time to go home. You say your goodbyes and hop into you car. Thinking to yourself, you wonder how it is that neither of your parents have tried to get a hold of you. It’s fairly late, yet no calls. Deciding to see if your phone died on you, you search your purse. Keys, paper, cheese, ….and keys. Your phone! It’s gone!! You quickly search your mind for the last time you used it.

At the gym. That was the last time you used it! When your mother called you to tell you to be home before 6. The locker! You must’ve left it in the locker on accident when you didn’t put it back into the purse but rather to the side of it. You debate rushing home and dealing with the problem tomorrow, but what if someone tried to get a hold of you? Perhaps a cute boy? Maybe an old friend? You NEED that phone! Plus, what if they clean out the lockers at night? Or if someone took it?!

Putting your car into drive, you speed onto the freeway. The gym shouldn’t be closed just yet. But lately they have been closing earlier because they have people coming in to inspect the gym. Or something. Pulling up you see lights on and one truck parked in the parking lot. Thank God! It’s probably the janitor! If you ask him nicely if he has seen a black cell phone in the lockers he will give it to you. You park your car and turn the headlights off and the song that was playing dies out abruptly.

Running up to the glass doors, you peer in, trying to see if you can see the janitor, when all of a sudden, the door moves forward, opening.

‘It’s unlocked?’ you think to yourself as you push it farther open and slowly step inside. Speaking loudly, you ask, “Is anyone here? I left my cell phone in the locker…”

No answer. Well, if the doors are open, maybe they aren’t closed? Maybe it’s just a really really slow night? You decide to just run to the lockers and grab your cellphone and get the heck out of there. Standing at the lockers, they seem more numerous when they are all vacant. It was the third row up…or was it the second? Opening the doors, one by one, you have no luck. You reach up to the fifth row of lockers, opening the door about an inch when all of a sudden it slams shut, sending a shockingly loud sound all throughout the gym.

You see a large hand on the locker door, you follow it to the arm, to the shoulder, to the face…to the workout god.

“What are you doing?” he asks, almost in an angry tone. He looks down at you, not moving from his stance, his hand forcing the locker shut.

Looking at him from over your shoulder, and a little taken aback you answer quickly, “I left my cell phone here and I came to look for it. The door was open!” You furrow your brow, not liking how demanding and violent he is acting.

“What’d it look like?” He asks again, his hand slowly relaxing against the locker.

“It’s a black motorola flip phone.” You suddenly become aware that his hand had slipped from the upper locker down to right by your face. Suddenly, almost like ice, he touches you and it shocks you. Unexpected yet not un-welcomed.

“Hmm….” He rubs his hand along your cheek and cups your chin. It rests there for a second until he pulls it up, raising your face so that you are forced to look at him. “Is it maybe this one?” With his other hand he pulls it out of one of his pockets, holding it just out of reach, almost tauntingly.

“Y-yes. Thank you.” You hold your hand out, thinking that he’d drop it into your hand. But he doesn’t.

“Thank you? I didn’t say I’d give it back to you. I was thinking of getting a new phone.” His hand drops as he walks two steps away and looks back, his head tilted down and making him look even cuter. But not cute enough to forgive stealing a pone you think.

“Bu-” He cuts you off, he faces away again, but you can tell he is pressing your phone to his lips as he contemplates, looking at the ceiling, “I’ll give it to you, on a condition…”

“What?”

“That.” He walks toward you again, “You” He pokes your collarbone with your phone, giving you shivers. “Keep me company here at the gym until we close.” He looks at you and grins, “It gets lonely here after hours, but I can’t leave until our original scheduled closing time.” He traces your collarbone with the phone, taunting and entrancing you. “Will you?”

—– END PREVIEW—-

You are in shock. In all your dreams this would never have happened. Your grip on your purse slips and it falls to the floor. He chuckles and picks it up, “Always dropping things when you look at me, eh?”

A wave of warmth spreads over you as you turn red, he noticed! He knew that you’d been ogling him. You try to regain your confidence. In all your fantasies you do not let the man have the upper hand like this, thinking on your feet you grin and look up at him, meeting his gaze. “If you know that, you’ve been looking at me just as much.” He laughs and answers with a quick ‘yep.’

That’s right, you have as much to offer, you can’t let him just play the game without having some fun with it as well. I mean, parents can wait, this is something that never should have been!

You walk over to him, grab your purse and walk over to the counter, setting it down you look down at it, then to him. “Is that the only way that i can get my phone back?” You ask, almost in a bored tone. Acting like you don’t want to, see how far he will go.

“Correct. Or Bench 200 lbs.” He plays with your phone. “Looks like someone has quiet a few missed calls…”

‘Crap!’ you think, ‘My parents!!’ You are torn between getting home and getting some. “Fine.” You find yourself saying, but quickly you add, “but, I have to make a call.”

“Haha, I’m not that stupid.” He once again comes within inches of you, holding the phone with his index and thumb fingers he shakes it back and forth, “You don’t get this until later.” He slides it into his shorts and looks up at you again. Again with that baby face, that upward look that catches your breath! He knows what he’s doing…

“What shall we do?” he asks, running his hand along you arm, up and down, his gaze transfixed on your eyes. Trying to be smart with him, you answer, “Keep each other company until I can have my phone back?” A shadow seems to cross his face but quickly vanishes and is replaced with a devlish grin. “I have an idea.”

“What is that?” He doesn’t answer but rather has you follow him to the mats to the side where people do push-ups, crunches, and sit ups.

“As a personal trainer I know how to help people work out, and so I’m going to help you in the time being.” You are confused. This is what he meant by keeping each other company? Well, just being by this workout god was enough. PLus, it’s one thing to admire a god, it’s another to physically deal with one. One needs preparatory time in that case! For instance, a hot wardrobe, nice hair, sexy lipgloss. All of that! But no, you were just expecting to head home and eat delicious food so you are wearing your same workout clothes. A regular t-shirt and some workout pants, black ones.

“Okay….so?” You ask standing next to him as he kneels down.

“So? Get over here, we are going to start with some warm up crunches.” He claps his hands together, which you notice seems to be the way trainers try to pep up their clients before a long workout. You go over to the side of where he is and lay down, bending your knees and putting your arms behind your head, but before you can start he stops you with an “Ah- ah-”

“This, is not the right way to do a crunch…” He puts his hands on each of your feet. “First off, your legs are way too close together, you can’t do a good crunch this way” He pushes them apart slightly then more so so that they are at least 2 feet apart from each other. You wonder if this is true, you haven’t ever seen anyone else do a crunch this way, but you decide not to protest, you want to see what he has in mind.

“And this,” he slides his hands along your thighs and up under your shirt, “cannot be so low, we must be able to see the area that we are working on.” He pulls ur shirt up, but at this you protest. No one should see that!! If you don’t like it, then he shouldn’t see it.

“Protesting? Who is the trainer here?” He forces your shirt up slightly and tells you to lie back down. “Now i want ten crunches.” You feel embarassed, but want to get this over as soon as possible, so you start.

1, 2, 3, 4- You stop as you are in the middle of your fourth crunch, you see him leaning over you, and become a little worried. That would be way too fast! But instead of jumping on top of you, he begins kissing your stomach, causing you to flinch.

Looking up at you he asks, “Did i tell you to stop? Or can you not count? You are only on 4.” You continue again.

5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Everytime he kisses you more and more, by the end moving to your sides. “I did ten.” You say, breaking the silence.

“Mmm…” He sits up, and looks up again, thinking. You look again at those abs, so large and prominent. So sexy. He leans over you again, “I like this position though.” He says as he buries his face in you chest, rubbing your sides and your stomach. One hand slides down your side, down to your thigh, your knee where he pulls at you, pulling your leg up. “We can do some leg lifts from here….” He kisses your stomach again, or we could, flip the situation.” He says as he grabs you and rolls over so that you are on top of him.

“I don’t think this fits under the category of keeping you company…” You taunt. You sit upright sort of straddling his stomach. You left your hands feel him, touch him, get to know him like you imagined. You decide you will take advantage of this situation. “Mmm, you seem to be hot.” You rub his forehead with the back of your hand, “At times like this, its best to remove an article of clothing…”

He looks up at you, a little taken aback. Perhaps because he was not expecting that from you, or maybe not knowing what you had in mind, either way, his face shows all. He is confused. However, it fades quickly as that devilish grin returns. “Which one do you suggest?”

You debate the pros and cons of your decision. Work out pants? No, that’d be too far, make him think you really wanted him. Not that you don’t, but not just yet. His shirt? That would be fulfilling a dream of yours. You’d be able to see if he’s hiding any more tattoos and you’d be able to see what you only just felt briefly. Okay, decision made. With a smirk and a quick lick of your lips you run your hands down his sides, mimicking what he did earlier. Then you tug at his shirt, only he does not resist, he has no reason to. He, of course, is aware of the status he holds as workout god.

You roll it further up, slowly admiring him, and finally, deciding to tease him further, testing his boundaries. You pull it up over his head so that just his arms are still in the shirt, keeping him in a position you quite relish. “Now, I don’t know if this is helping cool me down…” Your concentration is broken as he speaks. You just look down at him. “Nope, its not working for me.” With that he sits up, and in doing so throws his arms over you, still connected by his own shirt so that you are stuck almost hugging him. He hugs you tightly, then lets his hands wander, feeling your back, your own muscles, and just you.

“I disagree, I think it’s very helpful…” His hands make it under your shirt once more. You let your own hands rub his back, which is not as lean and smooth as it appears underneath a shirt. Instead it is more rough, soft, yet hard, and you die with so many sensations running through your mind. If you were having internal somersaults before, now you must be orbiting in space. You just don’t know what to make of the situation.

“Can I?” He asks, stopping his hands on the back of your bra. You look up at him, you aren’t sure yourself. You look at him, and nod. Unable to form the words, his ravishing affection takes your breath away. Just as his hands unlock the bra in seconds, you hear a sound. A distant one, but it seems to be getting louder. You realize he has stopped too, his hands frozen in place.

“Daniel? Dude, are you still here? Didn’t you close this place hours ago? HR is soo going to be pissed with you.” It’s a guy’s voice, and you can tell it’s getting closer. Quickly, you two stand up, you fix your bra and pat down your hair. He pulls his shirt on with lightning speed and wipes his face and hair down smoothly as he walks to the door.

“What is it man?” You hear the two converse together. Moment lost. You sigh to yourself and decide to go to the bathroom and make sure you don’t look like anything happened; wouldn’t would the parents to suspect anything.

“I don’t look too bad…” You say as you fix your hair and wash your face, trying to take away the perpetual blush that stained your cheeks.

“I don’t think you could ever look bad…” he says as he kisses the back of your head, you know it’s him by his reflection in the mirror. He’s still hot, you think. He moves your hair out of the way and kisses your neck. “Forgive the intrusion, that boy doesn’t know how to mind his business…”

“Well, it’s for the best.” You say, even though you don’t mean it. You just are upset at how easily he gets back to what he was doing. Plus, the mood was lost when he left you so suddenly. “I need my phone back.”

“Mmm, here it is.” He says as he kisses your neck. You grab it and try to resist the urge to throw it on the floor and turn around. But as you hesitate, you feel him leave you. “I have to get going. He’s right, I have to shut this place down now.”

He looks at you and grins that same grin, “But, we are open 7 days a week, 12 hours a day….” He kisses you on the mouth, gently, “…for your workout convenience.”

You feel your phone vibrate, someone’s calling you. He walks you out of the building and to your car. Once he is sure you are seatbelt-ed in and safe, he taps the top of the car with his hand, and adds, quickly, “Oh, and I’m going to be your personal trainer from now on, no fee.”

“I’ll be back,” you wink as you say this and turn your car on, the familiar engine sounds bringing you back to reality. 47 missed calls, 3 hours past curfew, and a few extra miles on the car are nothing in comparison to having the workout god all to yourself.

Starting today, you really will enjoy getting a workout.