It's already the day before the New Years, of 2010. What happened to the time? What happened to 2009?
I have a horrible memory, so I can't exactly recap anything. Basically, I didn't do much memorable things or have once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. School has been my slavedriver and I have been under the whip. Yet, I suppose it has also been enjoyable. With one major infatuation and no other distraction from my studies, I seem to have done quite well for myself... the hardest semester of all, coming out with the highest GPA. There have been disadvantages to that, of course. Lack of sleep, too much carbs, bouts of depression, etc. have plagued me for the past semester but now it's all minute, irrelevant parts of a life that is only about 20-30% lived (unless of course, i turn into a vampire assassin, in which case I'll be immortal)...
But through these moments of loneliness and reminiscence, I've realized that resolutions are necessary. Even though they are mostly never accomplished and serve as a shaming ritual to us all at the end of year, when we realize "shit! i never did anything besides eat and sleep!" they at least give me an insight on what is necessary for tomorrow, not what is pleasant for today.
The seven deadly sins never seemed more obvious. and more inescapable.
Up until now, envy has probably been my main sin, along the lines of "wanting but not having." Honestly, I haven't cared about being wrathful, or lustful, or sinful in general, until I finally thought about where that might take me.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't think being without these seven sins makes you a perfect being; it's the ability to control these sins that make a person truly whole. But when these sins maintain a lifestyle you want to change, or constantly change a landscape that you want to keep beatiful, it's kinda hard to keep going at the rate we all are.
What is happiness? Is it being with family who love you? Is it being successful? Is it having a successful romantic relationship? Or is it all three and more? In searching for these answers, I stumbled upon a cliff of disbelief. Being pessimistic and lackluster towards humanity, as I am, merely draws out the vibrancy and devastation of the answer. It's that, you don't know until it happens. So there's no accurate predictions, no weather forecast man to tell you what is going to happen, no possibility that anyone can know what their own happiness is until they experience it. Or, pass that chance and never realize happiness, because they have lost it forever.
Have I passed it? Have I, in the 19 years I've been alive, been happy? Or am I just in neutral, just waiting to shift the car into drive (drive = happiness)? The potential answers nip at my heels, and trying to forget about them only whets their appetite in making me suffer. And there's always that horrible, horrible question going on in my head at every moment... "Is this that final decision that will make me happinessless forever?"
Pride has always been my weak point. I hate being embarassed, apologetic, reprimanded, or even seen as less than average. I guess that sort of goes along with envy, but is it truly my fault if I weigh heavily the opinion of others on what I do, how I act, who I am? I may be acting, but sometimes it's just more comfortable than being who I truly am... it never ceases to amaze me how so many people are willing to negafy their image because of what they believe... it's nothing short of a miracle to me. I've accepted the fact that i'm prideful... up until lately. Just today, actually. I’ve been wondering… is my pride actually taking away my chance at happiness? I don’t even know what consists of “my happiness” but in rejecting a proposal, an idea, is that bringing me closer to that dark canyon of doom? In having too high of expectations, is that actually ruining my plan for the future? I don’t want to lower my standards. But on the other hand I wonder if that is what’s keeping me away from what I truly want. I desire money, I desire power, I desire love. But maybe I’m asking for too much. If I choose to start love, I might lose an opportunity for bigger, better things. But if I choose not to, I’m also in danger of rejecting the right proposal, and end up worse, even farther away from my goal. I don’t know. I can’t know. There’s no way to know. And that’s whats driving me crazy. I’ve never believed in destiny, but my mom has. Will fate actually work? I don’t know. Free will tends to do things to mess with destiny. I just hope that this decision is the right one, and that destiny is the one making the decision, not my ridiculous trait of having too much pride.
I don’t know. But I can hope.
On a brighter note: Happy New Years! And hopefully your resolutions come to be reality! May all slackers become super successful. May all the poverty-stricken college students find hundred dollar bills on the ground. And most important of all, may all us single people find true love! *pretend swoon*
