The Rules

I feel the need to postpone my End of the Year series in order to speak of something that has been on my mind: The rules.

Last night I had a long conversation about the power, or lack thereof, of prayer, with my roommates girlfriend. I asked her in a (hopefully) un-intrusive and open way about what she thinks about prayer. She is catholic, and as such believes that prayer and God exists, but the extent of their affect is very limited. I wish I could have reassured her, but frankly I have no firsthand experiences that show that prayer has been exceedingly beneficial. My parents do, but stories like "I know people who have experienced this and that" are rarely very moving. So all I did was listen and agree.

Remember that my roommate was the one that used to be against drinking, at least to my knowledge, and now is very okay with the idea. Also remember that this had a large and painful affect on me.

I bring up this point because it was his girlfriend that got him into drinking in the first place, so I find it interesting that I am now friends with her. At one point I had hoped to maybe convince her to stop, but she is adamant and as strong in her beliefs as I am in mine, even if she feigns apathy. So I realized a while ago that I am powerless to change my friends, and so to avoid going through what I went through with my roommate, I had created a set of rules.

1) I cannot get very attached to these people. Attachment is foolish and can only lead to heartache. So I never care when they go out and get blitzed, they are free to kill themselves with little or no intervention on my part.

2) I can never try to change them. This always ends badly, is wholly useless and just ends up straining the friendship.

3) I have to accept what they do, and my lack of affect. There is nothing I can do, and that's the truth.

There are probably more rules that I may add. I need to remember to abide by these rules when I talking to my friends, for my sake and theirs.

Time Tells

I AM SO SLEEPYYY, so i’m writing to stay awake. I hope that it works. I could seriously take a nap on this desk. Anyways, i’ve been thinking lately.
After breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 months (a personal best haha) I thought that it would be the hardest thing to do. But you know? The only hard part was telling him, after that, he’s been such a butthead that I am sure i made the right decisi0n. And now that we aren’t together, I’ve heard all the stories of how he’s been rude to other people and offended some of the nicest people. And you know what? I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s so full of himself, or so he thinks, that he boasts. But really, i think its just insecurities showing. I mean, if you are okay with yourself you don’t have to tell others that you will beat them up, or that you could. Because, in reality, that boy cannot take anyone down. My lil bro can beat him up. But oh well, i guess he’s just way immature and trying to find himself.
But yes, what sucks is that he’s such a butthead. He goes from trying to be super nice, saying, can we talk about this in person pls? To YOU dont think YOU can!? You’re the one that broke up with me. how do you think i feel?! then back to. fine, i’ll give you your space. He’s such a horrible rager! :O I should’ve known after that one time at the mall when he was yelling at this guy who didn’t stop for us when we were crossing the street. and despite me trying to get him to stop, he yelled like a dumbass after a car. It was so stupid.
What’s more, he was rude to my step dad!! Who buys him food and who is so nice to him. But no, he doesn’t know that, he assumes it’s all my mom. What a stupid head. And asking about my mom’s medication because she isn’t getting better. What a retard for doing that!!! He doesn’t know anything about my mom. He doesn’t know her immunities are low and she takes a while to get better. or that she was going back to the doctor in a few days. He’s so insensitive. I do realize he does it out of concern. But i really wonder. Who is the concern for? Because it doesn’t show as compassionate.
But after ranting and accidentally sending my friend on him, (she says she is going to punch him…haha for messing with her dudesies *my fam*) i feel guilty for feeling such things. I mean, we were together. and there must’ve been something i saw in him. But truthfully, i can’t see it anymore. I don’t want to think he’s so horrible, because i dont think he meant to do anything bad. But then again i wonder, am i just rationalizing for him again? But no, i should try to be kind. :I I WILL TRY.
But i get so caught up with my frustration and disgust. Alicia hit it right on the head about what his problem was, “it was early stages of kevin-ism” Which is so true. He would not ever move or change his plans to see me. He wouldn’t text me back or talk with me for the majority of the week. He would only call sometimes and always cut it short because he was sleepy. And i believe he lied to me a lot, i dont want to believe it, but so many times he couldn’t back up his stories or defend them. And he’d always try and say the ‘right thing’ and i feel like a dumbass for believing him for so long. He isn’t going to change. He didn’t think he was doing anything wrong or that our relationship wasn’t bad. When clearly, i wasn’t happy. He’d say, “i don’t want you to be sad. When you are happy i’m happy. So i’ll try, i really will.” And you know? I think he meant it, for like a few hours. then it’d be back to the same GD routine. And i was just tired of it. I was a girlfriend of convenience. And that’s not enough for me. And to add to it, as i started to resent him, all i could see were his faults. And that just wasn’t fair to either of us.
Yet, once again. When i look back on our time together i am not happy. I feel like i made a bad decision with a guy AGAIN. and it sucks. Why can’t i ever not regret it? Sighh…. Maybe time will make it so i don’t regret it. BUT WHO KNOWS! i still regret the last one. Though, oddly, not as much. After this break up, i really admire R for being so kind about it and not being mean to me. so i guess, maybe with time i wont regret it. I did get some sushi out of it.
But, for now, i am soo taking a long break from all that relationship poo~~ A LONG BREAK! But yea, alicia, it’s still A&A domination FTW~~~ :D

End of a Year Part 1

My birthday has recently passed. I had a wonderful party from fantastic friends, and they got me a nice camera that is more expensive than I'm worth! So I am eternally grateful and need to give them all a large, rib-crushing hug. I am in a good mood, and life is going well. 
 
A year ago, this was not the case. 
 
On my last birthday, my friends got me a drawing tablet last year. Also a very nice gift. But I was very insecure as to whether my friends wanted to actually go to my birthday dinner, or whether they just felt obligated to. I got a vibe that they didn't want to go, that I was dragging them. And a few friends couldn't make it, so that killed my morale. So what did I do? I pretended to be sick, to let them off the hook. A few still ended up going just for dinner, but not for my sake. I felt I had relieved them. 
 
This was slightly mirrored in this years birthday dinner. I had been excited for this dinner for a while now, because I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with my friends, and I like when we're all hanging out together. So naturally I was talking about it a lot, referring it to "my birthday dinner." Apparently this came off as selfish, because my roommate had been acting a bit angry a day before the dinner. I wondered why. Being friends with his girlfriend, I asked her what was up. 
 
Well, I had been talking about the dinner so much that to my roommate, it seemed like going was now a chore. I was being self-centered, self-absorbed, putting so much worth on myself that my friend, who I consider to be a good friend, no longer wanted to go hang out with us that night. His girlfriend was telling me this over AIM, at work. I had to hold back tears because my boss and coworker were there. 
 
Feelings of last year flushed back to me. Insecurity. Sadness. I wanted to call the whole thing off, and I certainly didn't want my roommate to go. But, his girlfriend assured me that it was probably just him being a bit off this week. Nonetheless, I went and bought a mop and some cleaner, and I went back to the apartment to thoroughly clean the place because I knew he'd like that. Maybe he wouldn't hate going out if I proved myself to be a good friend. 
 
There's so much to write that it is difficult to organize this post, so I think I'm going to have to split this up into parts.

When Did This Happen?

The question everyone will ask, and the question I perpetually ask of myself. But is there really an answer? When did saying “happy valentine’s day” or “i love you” turn into such dead words that illicit no emotion? Obligatory responses without meaning. That seems to be what 0ur relationship turned into. Maybe that’s the way I see it, maybe he sees it differently. No matter what though, if this sentiment resides anywhere, then it’s enough to call it quits.

When we started you said, “I’m willing to give this a try” I think that was a perfect way of putting it. We gave it a try. It wasn’t meant for forever. We are too different. You can’t foresee the future, and maybe sometimes it may seem like everything is going well. But it’s not.

When did I stop wanting to be with you? When did I stop wanting to try? When did I stop looking at you and thinking wow? (did i ever?)

When did you stop trying? When did I become less? When did you think this would end?
Why didn’t we both see it? Why did we try for so long? Why didn’t someone say no?

I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hear you cry. I don’t want any of that. But I don’t want you.

Relationships are like a rose, if you don’t cultivate it, then you will prick yourself on what used to be.

I really don’t want to say those words. The same ones I was unable to voice before. But, because I respect you and care for you, I will force myself to say them. I’ve said them enough times to myself.

You may say, but we can work on it. But I don’t want to. You may say, I’m overreacting. But I don’t think I am. You may say, I’m a bitch for not telling giving you another chance. And I won’t say anything. It’s not that I ran out of patience, I stopped wanting to.

Dealing with the remains, that’s what I will be doing weeks from now. Questions, accusations, and rumors. The dirty side of love. The death of love, just so rebirth can take place. We will find love again, and again.

Stupid Boxers

Well my roommate and his girlfriend have been staying over here a while now, which I'm all for cause they're fun to have around. This morning however there was a bit of an incident that may well turn out to be nothing. See, being  a guy, I wear boxers. But being a cheap guy, I wear the boxers with hole in the middle. Think they put that there to prevent it from tearing under stress, I don't know though. Anyways, I had an 8 oclock class so I got up earlier than them, I rose out of bed, went to go find my pants, and then stood up:

Only to reveal that my penis was exposed out of that stupid boxer-hole.

And my while my roommate was facing the other direction (and asleep), she was facing my direction. I'm 90% sure she was asleep though because her eyes were closed when I looked at her, so I really doubt she noticed. But my roommates alarm did go off a few minutes before the boxer malfunction, so what if she woke up and was trying to get back to sleep, then hearing that I was doing something, decided to see what I was up to and then BAM, PENIS, and then quickly closed her eyes to pretend shes asleep to avoid an awkward situation?!? It's possible!

I'm going to be more careful in the future. Or sew my boxers shut.

Lucy: Some hot chick who your friends like better than you.

This hot chick digs urbandictionary for its flattering definition. Despite the 10 other definitions that defined Lucy as a "loose slut," "a bitch who doesn't love her bf," and.... *drumroll* even a "mangina". Apparently people make up words for things they encounter everyday, even though there's clearly a specific term: like... "whore," "ungrateful bitch," and.... "mangina"! People are... well... interesting.
So I'm listening to Britney Spears (yeah yeah, sue me) and what made me think a little were her lyrics "...i can't make you love me... i'm just a girl with a crush on you" for one of her first albums (when she wasn't crazy). It's true that you can't make someone love you, but, you can kidnap them and keep them in your basement. And if you torture them (making them beg) long enough, they will be brainwashed into thinking that they love you.
Therefore, her lyrics are incorrect- as long as you have the tenacity, sneakiness, cold-heartedness/obsessiveness, connections with the law, and a relatively large amount of money (to keep a man/woman well-fed in your basement for a while), you can pretty do anything you want. To your captive. or just whatever you want.
Anyway, a few days ago I dreamt that in a land of human-robots, flea markets, and wide open streets, Conor Knighton told me he loved me in this long, drawn-out, amazing speech, and then proposed to me. After I said yes, he grinned his cute boyish grin, walked over to me, and we hugged. And hugged. and hugged. We sort of did the hug/turn thing, and we were giggling and talking and it was beautiful. Then i woke up, and could still feel his arms around me, those comforting, tightly-holding-me arms... It was as if he really did....unless someone really did enter my room at night and hugged me while i was asleep.... (wow that's a really creepy image, i'm going to try to never think about that again...)
But that got me thinking. Why am i so full of contradictions? I don't believe in true love or soul mates and yet after a dream about a man (a funny, adorable, charming, cute one) proposing to me in the most romantic setting after expressing his feelings for me, I felt so happy and elated. Why is that? I don't believe in what people call "love" or marriage or the fact that anyone can resist temptation in a monogamous relationship, but I truly do want a charming man that expresses his feelings to me in such a poetic, and graceful, and amazing manner. And in the process i begin to self-resent, because i begin to doubt myself and question what my true feelings are. i can attest the dream and these silly feelings to what every girl wants, but that would be ruining my argument. i'm not "every girl". i hate cheesy romances, chick flicks, petty games, and gossip. i love racecars, wolves, guns, death, money, and i hope that one day i will become an emotionless vampire assassin. i highly doubt many other girls desire that.
i don't trust myself or another person enough to get married or be faithful, respectively, and i sure as hell don't want to have kids. but then i think back on all the best dreams i've ever had and they all involve some sort of romantic gesture one way or the other. (actually there's probably a couple exceptions, where i was flying or disgustingly rich) so is it because i'm a girl that my emotional side is already programmed to want to be part of something that my rational brain deems as stupid and inefficient and impossible? or is it because i've been burnt in the past while on this road that i am consciously trying to avoid putting my hand in the fire?
sometimes i just wish everything was much simpler. either in the days of yore or in the future, where everything was too simple or too organized to be a hassle to anyone.
so while i'm shaking my fist at PDA, i will weep quietly to the image of titanic sinking into the water, as jack professes to never let go, as the old rose throws the diamond into the sea.

it's just too beautiful a story.

and blue cat people just can't beat good ol' forbidden romance that ends with tragedy due to the selfishness, ignorance, and stupidity of human beings.

Me vs. Influences

I spent most of last night trying to get my heart beat to go down. This was caused by the energy drink and caffeinated soda I had consumed that day, and boy did I regret it. Running on 3 hours of sleep is not fun. Caffeine crashes are horribly unfun, as my despair is very exaggerated - I felt far worse than I should have about not being able to watch a damn TV show with a friend. Granted there's a bit more to it than that, but the point is made: caffeine is bad! I even had a nightmare last night, something I haven't had in a while.

But I continue to have it, because it can really make a day better. Slow day at work? Grab a mountain dew and hit up collegehumor. Studytime? Pot of coffee! Just make sure you can withstand the crashes, and you're golden. But with as much caffeine as I have, I basically feel constantly bad: unsure of myself, nervous, thinking far ahead in the future in worst possible scenarios. I think considering I have these feelings naturally, amplifying them with chemicals is a horrible idea.

I think for now I'll go cold turkey on caffeine. But eventually, when I can control myself, I'll have soda on occasion and maybe coffee. Not every day though.

This is a minor digression, but I've been thinking a lot about how I handle conflicts lately. Usually when a friend does something I don't like, I complain to another friend (or more), then wait a while until those feelings go away. Maybe this isn't healthy, I don't know, but its better than being obnoxious and vocalizing my feelings every time. Right?

Well anyways, until next time.

--Honk !m