Unresolved, still

It is currently 4:30 AM. I am staying up late with my roommate and his girlfriend, and we are about to sleep. Today was a good day, we all hung out at target, along with a Korean friend and my good friend, my neighbor. Then everyone except my neighbor went to Korean barbecue, where we consumed large amounts of meat. Twas good.

The pleasant experiences of the day were occasionally interfered with the Korean friend requesting beer. He is underage. I don't care much, but every time he spoke about it, it brought up some tension in me, some small sickening feeling in me. It reminds me that I can't let my guard down to my friends, because they will often disappoint if you do. I cannot expect any one of them to change, that is foolish. And drinking beer isn't a massive deal anyways, pretty small in the grand scheme of things. Nonetheless, the small sickening feeling remains.

But, today was indeed still fun. We went back, sang songs while I played my guitar, watched and played video games. However, I never met up with my neighbor, which was disappointing because I wanted to make a cake and maybe watch some TV shows. She is an extremely good friend. But alas, she is a busy lady with many friends of her own, so I should not be clingy.

This is unfortunately complicated because me and her are what we call "sober buddies." That is, we don't drink, at least we believe we should not. In practice however this is pretty difficult - we are in college and there are many temptations, especially for her since she is a very outgoing, sociable person. So it doesn't always work out the way it should, and I always get quite worried whenever it is a Friday/Saturday night and she's not online or won't respond. Clingy, but bad things have happened in the past. Still clingy.

Well it being a Saturday night there are their usual loud parties, in fact right now I hear a fire alarm that has been pulled. I heard loud people outside my door, so for funsies I went to go out there and yell "HEY!" loudly. But there were no people in the hall - it was coming from my neighbors apartment. A party right across from me, how very exciting! And of course I hear the shrill voice of my neighbor laughing and talking. So at that point I definitely assume she is quite drunk, or on the road to being so, then walk away with a considerably more powerful sickened feeling in the pit of my stomach. Also everything got colder. She was neither online nor responsive to my text of "Sober buddies!"

Best case scenario - she wasn't drunk at all, I'm worrying too much, she just was having fun with her roommates and some people they invited over. If this is the case, then I need to learn to let people be! They are capable of making good decisions, she is a smart and strong girl and she knows whats right and whats wrong. I am an overly clingy person who over thinks things that will work out for the best! Maybe it wasn't even her voice I heard, and she had just decided to go to sleep early. She didn't answer my text or im's because she had just forgot and was pretty tired.

Worst case scenario - she got stark raving drunk. Her roommates decided to have a party and, despite her best efforts, she was unable to refuse social time and was coerced into drinking. While people are capable of making good decisions, they often make bad ones that go against their own beliefs. She did not answer my im's or texts because she really didn't care what I have to say about anything in her life, I talk to her too much and she needs a break from my judgmental, emotional, self-serving whining (which this blog post certainly is). She wanted to have fun at a party and that's all that matters. It's been a while anyways. By now she has thrown up very many times, and has passed out on her bed.

So here I lay, wondering what happened. I am often so afraid that I did something to hurt our friendship, that we are anything less than best/2nd best friends. Is there anything I could have said? Anything she misconstrued, anything I did that put her off? I force these thoughts upon myself, usually in silence, but often resorting to gauging the friendship one way or another, which may itself hurt the friendship.

But why do I care so much whether she drinks or not? Every single one of my other friends drink anyways, what is one more? It is just me standing alone here, in my self-dug hole. I fight the good fight. Myself. It's difficult and lonely but I press on. Who is she to bring such distraught feelings to me? Or my roommate? Or his girlfriend?

Oh yeah, I know why. Because being alone sucks. Because we are sober buddies, best friends, I am emotionally attached probably more so than is healthy. Because I value her friendship to the point where I feel like I don't even deserve it. Because when every single one of your friends change their beliefs when the weight of college crushes them, it's nice (incredibly reassuring) to know that there's at least one other person who I can talk to about these things, because we're in the same boat as far as beliefs go. Because maybe I am not alone, and so maybe there's a glimmer of hope that I can get people to join this boat as well.

So here I lay, dealing with the same problem I've been dealing with for the last year and a half now, each time coming to a new "conclusion," only to wait until the next incident occurs. Although I should mention that, this actually is not as bad as I have felt about this before. When my roommate began drinking after living a life of hating the concept, I was far sickened and depressed, and I do not use that word lightly. But I pressed on from that horrible era, and I came to conclusions. I let him go. I detached myself.

It is now 5:16. I feel better now that I have written my feelings; this blog is indeed theraputic. I should write in it more often.

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Also I have feelings for a girl I can probably never have. More on that later.