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So I guess every year seems to start the same for me. I celebrate New Years by sleeping in late and then going to work, or waking up and lazing about, drawing, hanging with friends maybe, or just watching tv. I was content, thought very bored at times. I’d always read stories and wish for excitement and adventure. But you know? This year seems to have brought that without me realizing it, and unlike the heroines in a story, I’m not sure how the outcome is going to be, I just know, a lot of things are coming at me.
For one, I’m old! I’m at the end part of my Junior year, and that is so frightening! What am I going to do? Go to JD school, or go to a grad school for philosophy? I’m leaning much more strongly to JD even though I fear it’s difficulty, but I still want to talk to my advisor about all my options. But nevertheless, so many things scare me. Having to pay back my loans, applying for more scholarships, applying to new schools! Completing my major in philosophy. It’s just all so scary! I want to crawl in a corner, cover my ears and turn into a house cat that has no worries except for how to get up onto the table and away from the dog.
But alas, I shall face it every day, little by little. So I try not to worry about it, but according to my mom and some websites, it may be the source of my perpetual dizziness in my dreams. Though, I’m not too sure about that, always have to take that kind of information with a grain of salt. Nevertheless, that is another thing I have been thinking about. My dreams have been really vivid! I’m not sure if it’s because of my stress meds, or just because I’m just anxious sometimes, but it really is weird. I can’t remember if it was in my dirtbike dream last night, but i know the days before, I was always getting dizzy! I’d be running away from someone, then collapse against a wall n be like, oh noes. Or be fighting someone, and be like hit, then get all dizzy. Or just be dizzy all of a sudden. It’s so weird! And I know it’s not blood sugar or anything, cus I always eat dinner, so who knows.
Aside from school and dreams, I have also come to be a little more, well…not pervy per se…but hmm….more Nom Nomy! *for those of you who know me, you know exactly what I mean* I never thought I’d be one to be very affectionate. I mean, I don’t really know how to interact with people on that level. I can tell people things, or support them, or stuff like that, but initiating a hug, or touching that person’s hand or something small like that is so hard for me to do. And I’m not sure why. But because of that, I thought that I’d never really enjoy kissing or anything more than hugging *simply because I have grown to love hugs, it’s like hugging a giant living stuffed animal that hugs you back hehe* But it’s like a giant change or a giant secret to myself that i’ve found.
I really do like showing affection and being kissy. I don’t really feel super comfortable all the time, for reasons I don’t know and for reasons that I don’t really want to share explicitly. But even though I would love to just cuddle and watch a movie, ‘making out’ as people seem to put it, is fun too. Though, there never seems to be a right place or time for it. Especially when the fear of someone walking in weighs heavily, the fear truly does rule. Nevertheless, the fear that I would never really grow to like kissing or being close to someone is lifting slightly. I guess for now I know I won’t be alone forever like my brother used to always tell me. Though, I also have questions that arise.
How often do couples do that? Like everytime they hang out? But what about just being like an old couple for a day or two? *ie: doing nothing but sitting and watching tv together or something* And what is the pace people normally go? Is it too soon to be making out? Way late? And what if I don’t want to take that next step for a long time? Well, I guess time will tell. But for now, i shall enjoy what i have. Because it really is fun, and it’s something totally new, that doesn’t feel that bad.
oh, and the title is a secret message….it’s…..my future age this year! :O (old)