Daily Thoughts #1

So, for as long as I can remember, give or take 2 or 3 years, I’ve wished for being in love. I would watch romantic movies with my mom when I was still in elementary school, and loved how happy they all seemed when the two characters finally would get together in the end. *and mind you they were 90s movies, so it wasn’t as overly sexualized. lol*

However, my perception of it was skewed in a way, as a child’s always is. It was overly simplified, to me, it boiled down to two pretty people liking each other and then hanging out, and ends with a kiss. I’d always think, just like in stories, the guy would make the first move, an obvious and charming one, that would take my breath away and then, WHAM, i’d feel it and fall in love. But lately, I’m not so sure that’s even love. I think that’s more of a idealized and romanticized version of lust. Because, that does not happen, and if it did, wouldn’t that be a little less charming and a lot more creepy? I mean really, he barges in, dressed way too fancy to be walking through, then catches your eye and makes a move. Truthfully, my first thoughts would be, who is he? why’s he dressed like that? And, omg he’s crazy, don’t make eye contact.

So, throughout my life, i’d always wanted that, that idea fueled by manga, movies, and even giddy fantasies shared by friends. But, those stories aren’t how life goes. You can’t just wait for things to happen to you. Nonetheless, what I’m getting at, perhaps because it’s the first few days of a new and different relationship with my friend, is that, maybe that idea of love doesn’t exist, but liking someone, enjoying them for who they are, and just sitting with that feeling, to me, is something much better. I mean, would you really like being one half of a perfect couple that ends when the plot resolves itself? And that love, doesn’t it always make you question it’s validity and honesty? I mean, they always meet them days *if that* before they fall in love. Or maybe that’s my distrust emerging.

So getting back to my current thought, the feeling that I am loving, and wanting to keep for forever, is this feeling of comfortableness, happiness, giddiness, and just plain contentedness. Being able to text about serious and non-serious things, or getting those cute texts that make you smile each time you look at them. Being able to just sit and talk and both agree it was a nice night; and being accepted despite quirkiness and odd ball qualities. And, when you get this feeling. It’s not like, hey i love how i feel, i hope he keeps acting this way. That’s not it at all. You begin to want to do things for them, talk with them, hang out with them, and make them happy, like they make you. And not because you want something from them at all, but because, who they are is enough.

I used to think that that feeling was friendship, wanting to do things for others so they can be happy. But, this is like an exaggerated version of that feeling, it’s not more important, just different. However, what I also struggle with is the feeling of deserving the attention and compliments without earning it, but i guess that’s also part of what i’m getting at. I know i might be jumping ahead because my experience is limited, but what i feel is that, being with another person who sees the best in you when you don’t, makes you want to be a better person, to become what they see. With parents, it’s a similar feeling, you want to get good grades and be a good kid to earn their love (or maybe that’s because i grew up with conditional love.)

I still worry that my feelings will change in a mili-second, as they sometimes do. I think, maybe I won’t see him the same way tomorrow. I admit i see his defects, you can see anyone’s defects if you look hard enough, but i also see what makes him seem so perfect. So, a part of me really believes that this person isn’t going to be the same as the others. It won’t be a month fling where we talk, flirt, and then i end it by demanding i only feel friendship; and not because of a lie, but because i really didn’t feel anything more. Perhaps being friends for months, talking, being open, and getting more comfortable with someone allowed me to really consider letting myself feel these feelings. Or maybe, like my last entry, my lack of anxiety has allowed me to feel more, either way, I don’t want to over analyze this, as i always do. Rather, i want to enjoy this feeling; to treasure it.

So that’s it, i feel, maybe i wasn’t able to find what i always wanted not only because i wasn’t open or ready for it, but because i was looking for the wrong thing. It seems, after awhile, if you really want something, and you live your life the best you can, trying to be the best person you can, what you want will come to. But, most certainly, not in the way you would have ever imagined. Because, where’s the fun in that? And, maybe, as i grow up, this version of love and like will evolve into something greater, but for now, this is what it means to me, and i’m not going to overlook it and say, well that’s not what i had imagined so i’ll wait until i get it.

I hope i didn’t make your brains rot with my nonsensical, overly romantic-y entry. What can I say? I got boys on the brain….well, a boy.