So, as everyone all knows now, I am in a relationship with Joe. He had my change it on facebook yesterday, and everyone can see. I’ve received numerous comments about it, and he’s happy that i changed it. But, I have this fear. This inherent feeling that makes me scream inside. As if it’s saying, I’m scared, you have to pull away NOW. That it’s not the right choice, that he’s not the one, that you shouldn’t be doing this now.
I feel uncomfortable thinking about someone wanting to be with me and wanting to hug and kiss me. At first, when it’s someone that’s just flirting with me, that’s fine. But when the relationship starts, and everything begins to move down another road, i get so scared. And it’s not even like we’ve done anything horrible, or that he repulses me. I really do like him, and i like spending time with him. I like his hugs, and how he is considerate and respectful, and funny. But, a part of me is so scared.
I don’t even know about what! It’s the times when I’m left alone, not talking with him or around him, that I start to doubt. Doubt everything. The validity, the honesty, the emotions. And I don’t even know why! Why in the world would i do that when i’m happy with him? And i know he’s not lying to me, I know he’s honest. Any guy that would try for a girl when she says, friends, has some determination.
So…then, is this feeling even really bad? Or maybe I’ve just not allowed myself to feel it, so it’s hard to be calm while feeling it. Maybe this fear is what everyone experiences, maybe it is due to my daddy issues, maybe it’s just me. But, if i’m honest and try to work on it, isn’t that enough?
Like right now, I feel weird when he tells me he loves me. But then I like hearing it, but for some reason, i have a hard time accepting it. I like sitting with him and hugging him, but afterwards, like a day or so later, I’m a little uneasy about it. As if, by doing that I did something wrong? Though, i don’t think i did. It’s just like there’s this subconscious that makes me feel like being in a relationship is bad. Maybe it just boils down to me being afraid of getting hurt. Even though we all know that is inevitable.
So shouldn’t I embrace the feelings? Let myself squeeze him tight and never let him go? Should i ignore all the fears that surround that action and just do what i want? Or maybe, since that might result in a heart attack, should i just move towards that slowly? Because, as he’s told me, he’s okay with going as slow as i want, so maybe this is the perfect situation for me to find myself with another person.
Moving onto a lighter subject to end this post. RTOTD’s!! Just for you, wifey! <3
Why does gossip spread faster than good news?
Why does my car always feel like its gonna die?
Why do i always want to draw but never know what to draw?
Why does mug taste better than ibc or bargs?
Why does school overwhelm me at times?
Why can’t we have more days in a week? or hours in a day?
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