Spent this morning pleasuring myself to thoughts about friends and possible realistic opportunities. Then decided to think about life and my status in this world, and the progress that I've made in the last year or so. It's considerable, but not done yet. I begin to wonder if it will ever be done, and whether or not I will ever be the man I dream of being: strong, self-driven, courageous, willing to sacrifice myself for others, willing and able to protect, physically and otherwise, the people I care about the most. And incredibly handsome in a classy but still boyish kind of way.
Not there yet. So far I'm not particularly strong, overweight and while I do want to protect my friends and family, the opportunity has never come up so I don't know what I'd do in those situations. I play them out in my head often, trying to force myself to feel realistic feelings of fear, anger, despair, and then battle them as I would have to in real life. Who knows if this had helped.
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